Forced existance

by Jubb Jubb   Jun 23, 2009


I hate to the point where my vision melts away
and my nerve endings fray.
there's nothing you can say.

my blood boils down,
you can see it through my skin.
my head is full with sin.
my mouth enclosed with pins.

take me to your world.
i dont exist, i dont ex-ist.
this reality is fake.
im left floating in the wake.

drag me to the bottom.
i dont exist, i dont ex-ist.
i'll give into this force.
my fury knows no source.

(you might notice i tend to write more about hate, destruction, and murder. it's not because i can't write about anything else, these are just my favorite topics.
quote from lamb of god "i cant sing you a happy song, i cant write you a sing along. the only catchy hook ive got is the one in my bleeding gut.")

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  • 16 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "I hate to the point where my vision melts away
    and my nerve endings fray.
    there's nothing you can say."

    Good opening, it grabs the reader's attention.

    "my blood boils down,
    you can see it through my skin."

    I love the wording here and the descriptions you give off help the reader get into this piece.

    "my head is full with sin.
    my mouth enclosed with pins."

    First line: Maybe instead of "full" you could have "filled"? It just reads better to me.

    Second line: This was a interesting line, very original I have to admit.

    "take me to your world.
    i dont exist, i dont ex-ist.
    this reality is fake.
    im left floating in the wake."

    First line: Although this was a short statement it had depth, I liked it.

    Second line: "i" should be "I".
    "dont" should be "don't".
    And "ex-ist" should be "exist".

    Fourth line: "im" should be "I'm".

    "drag me to the bottom.
    i dont exist, i dont ex-ist.
    i'll give into this force.
    my fury knows no source."

    Capitalize your "i"s and I don't know if you meant to have "ex-ist" if you did, then I am sorry I thought otherwise. You do really good with dark poems, they are fun to read.

    Good work, keep writing..

    ~MaryAnne

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