With One

by Ben   Aug 13, 2009


With one kiss you made me yours
With one word you tore my heart
With one thought you closed the doors
With one kiss I knew you'd part

With one hand you said forever
With one finger you said I do
With one touch you broke our ever
With one glance I knew the truth

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  • 11 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    With one kiss you made me yours
    With one word you tore my heart
    With one thought you closed the doors
    With one kiss I knew you'd part"

    First line: This was a good opening line, it brought the reader in.

    Second line: This was a bit cliche, maybe use a synonym for "tore"?

    Third line: This is well-expressed.

    Fourth line: The wording here I liked, the repeat of "with one" didn't bother me, this poem was short enough that it fit it well.

    "With one hand you said forever
    With one finger you said I do
    With one touch you broke our ever
    With one glance I knew the truth"

    First line: Uniquely worded, this is so sweet.

    Second line: "you said I do" was kind of plain to me, add more imagery and descriptions.

    Third line: I really didn't like the "ever" part at the end, it just didn't fit. I know you wanted this to rhyme but I just felt "ever" wasn't right.

    Fourth line: This is a heartbreaking ending, leaving the reader on a very sad note.

    Overall, 4/5 from me. The rhymes were good and the flow too, and I liked how easily this could be read (it was filled with feeling), but it was short on imagery and creativity, and as I stated earlier, some of the wording was a bit cliche in places, not in all though.

    Keep writing, always and forever...

    ~MaryAnne