As Difficult as it sounds - My true feelings

Sometimes when I wake up, I feel very unaccomplished,

No one truly knows the pain I feel,

I live my life everyday saying to myself that I should be somewhere else,

I should be in the Olympics but I injured my leg so that dream is gone,

I should have graduated college but I failed Spanish and I was dismissed,

This is where all my depression, anger, sadness, and cutting stems from,

Those two things,

The biggest failures in my life,

I can never get my dream back,

Graduating is so far because of the financial situation with school,

All of this is my fault and I can not change it,

I wake up wanting to really kill myself,

I never wanted to kill myself so much in the past year more than I ever did right now,

Its not a cowards way out,

Something happens when you die,

But no one can tell you,

Dead people can not talk back,

It is either Heaven, Hell, or being reborn to start over with know memory of what happened,

Sometimes those three options seem pleasant enough for me to do it again,

This time with success,

But I feel that my time is not up yet so I can not do any regular type of suicide and expect succession,

I can not drive off the road, because I know I would not die from it,

I can not hang myself, because I know someone randomly would walk into my house in the nick of time,

I can shoot myself, because I know I already failed at that attempt,

What can I do?

I do not know now,

But I know that I will not live to be old and gray,

Mother forgive me, I am sorry.