Comments : Our First Date

  • 8 years ago

    by Decayed

    OM F' GOD!
    Damn it. Darn it. Dang it!! :)

    This is AWESOME.
    I wasn't sure where you were heading.. until I reached the very last line.
    I thought it's of Anas's vantage pt.. then of lesbian love..
    but, omg!!

    U know..the only thing that seems off is the title!! Please change it.. make it more creative..
    But anyhow, this is amazing.
    I liked the flow, the imagery, the tone, every nook and cranny of this..

    PENNED.
    Surely, nominated the next week!! :)

  • 8 years ago

    by The Monster you Trust

    Both the first and last stanzas are absolutely amazing. So astute and certain. You chose your words quite skillfully here, and you also wisely chose which words begun and ended each line.

    I do personally prefer to write things a little longer, but it also depends on the message and how you write it. You fit in with this in that the length isn't noticeable. It is what it is, and it is clever, imaginative, and certain.

    "We had a conversation, it was
    the kind of those that end
    you up pondering upon
    the origin of the stars,
    fathoming to your very self,
    anticipating to find a crescent
    hidden down there."

    This is the only stanza that threw me off a little. I don't mean to tell you how to write, because surely you have your own message/style and I have no true way of knowing or duplicating it, but I had a few suggestions if you'd like to hear them. PM me and we can talk about it.

    Otherwise this was dead on. Honestly I wish there were more than 5 ratings, 4 isn't high enough and I think a 5 implies perfect. I'd give this like a 4.8 I think.

  • 8 years ago

    by Brittany C

    Very pretty poem. I really liked. I don't know that it will be the best you will ever write but it is good.

    gave it a 5/5

  • 8 years ago

    by Rania Moallem

    One ? hats off indeed! two ? this is truly amazing, and 3 I had no idea it would end up to be the way you explained!

    not only is this different, but mature also, breathtaking!this is no bet one of the best poems that u have ever written and one that u should be a lot proud. one that as a judge would be gladly vote for a front page and that i would nominate next week ;) lol

    well done poetess, i love it nano!
    5/5 < doesnt matter tho :)

  • 8 years ago

    by Jenni

    I have to agree with Abed about the title, it does not really satisfy me. It somehow fits, but I'd still prefer something else, I can't think of anything right now, but as soon as I can come up with a different title I will tell you and you can decide if you like it better or not.

    The first stanza sets a nice scenery and gives the reader an idea what the speakers situation is. It does not tell too much though and rather offers to figure out more throughout the poem. That keeps the tension up because if you tell the whole story at the beginning, it'd just be boring.

    The fact that I know that your poems are usually very personal I was wondering even more who you'd be refering to, but if I didn't know this could of just been writing out of a different kind of view, which makes the ending even more surprising.

    I really like your choice of words and the flow of this poem, but there is nothing I'd fault other than the title, while you may aswell keep it the way it is.

  • 8 years ago

    by Tara Kay

    OMG
    I see what you mean!

    What an amazing opening!!
    Did you pen this?

    "Precious weaknesss and bittersweet secrets"
    OMG again!!!

    The ending was perfection. That image wil
    stay with me forever.

    You outdid yourself here,
    my wonderous rosebud.

    loved this with every inch of life
    OMG
    OMG
    OMG

    love,
    Tara
    xxxx

  • 8 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    I've waited her for years
    in forgotten stations, between
    ghostly Winters and
    amidst hallow skies.

    Never imagined her to be
    that sincere like autumn poetry
    or like birthday wishes.

    ^I've waited years for her - I think the first line would sound better this way, flopped around a bit. Otherwise it sounds off to me. Between and amidst are the same thing, you won't need both. However admist just seems a little better, so I'd toss out between. Second stanza, to start it off as 'Never' doesn't work too well, you may need to add 'I' somewhere in there. So I suggest writing the first & second stanzas this way or something similar -

    I've waited years for her
    in forgotten stations,
    amidst ghostly winters
    and hallow skies -

    for I never imagined her to be
    sincere like autumn poetry
    or birthday wishes.

    --
    We had a conversation, it was
    the kind of those that end
    you up pondering upon
    the origin of the stars,
    fathoming to your very self,
    anticipating to find a crescent
    hidden down there.

    ^Perhaps you didn't do much looking for this, as I'm finding several little mistakes by reading. Be careful.

    'We had a conversation
    as we pondered upon the
    origin of stars'

    ^Wouldn't those few lines you had sound much better this way? I just summed it up into a few less lines. You had a bunch of words jumbled up in the first three lines if you take a close look and read over it again. In my version, I'm really saying the same thing you are, but removing fillers to make it flow a bit better. To me the same meaning is still there. Obviously however you'll have to adjust the last three lines accordingly.

    'anticipating to find a crescent hidden down there'
    ^Hidden down where? To me, this doesn't make sense since crescents are moons and are found in the sky, unless you're thinking of something entirely different?

    Never guessed we would meet
    in this place, I've always
    imagined to embrace her
    amidst endless Aprils
    or tearless nights
    or at least beyond the sky.
    ^Maybe this stanza should be moved up to the almost top of the poem where you talk about the conversation you once had, I feel this just relates so much more to the first few stanzas, rather than at the end of the poem. Things just seem really jumbled and misplaced.

    This poem has so much potential, and I think you are getting the hang of things. You have a creative mind, but to make a poem more excellent, you have to write it, take a step back, come back to it and see what sounds good, what doesn't, what can be changed, etc. Change it. Read over it again. Step back away for a while, come back to it after thinking about the poem. At least that's how I write my poems, it seems to eliminate some of the problems I see you struggling with. I think if you read your original poem out you'll notice those little mistakes that are an easy fix. It's a good poem, just needs a bit of work to make it wonderful. You've got the ideas and everything on paper, just work on making everything extremely clear for the reader. Keep trying.

  • 8 years ago

    by Yakari Gabriel

    I love the depth of this,
    I believe there is much creativity here..
    and somehow there is a lot more meaning behind it...

    however,
    It seems to me you always incorporate
    the same words over and over again into your pieces

    although you bring them up in different ways,
    or are just trying to create your own trademarks...

    I would love to see you step out of that comfort zone of
    "poetry"
    "autumn"
    "winter"

    you know,the usual...

    other than that I enjoyed this piece!
    and the ending was captivating!

  • 8 years ago

    by Amreen

    I must say...this is indeed a wonderful wonderful poem and filled with the beauty of love, innocence and trimmed with every freshness of beauty...I mean I'm running short of words to emote the happiness and the pinch of sweetness I felt after reading this poem...
    ya abed is right that u need to work for the title but it still doesn't seem to be much irrelevant...
    and I must say,I liked every part of the poem....

  • 8 years ago

    by Liliana

    Well this really is one of your best, the imagery of this is amazing such as the choice of words amazing :) 5/5

  • 8 years ago

    by RSJ

    You know what i love the most about this noura?
    The simplicity behind your words make this very easy for my eyes to read, it flowed beyond perfect and it took me some time to understand, kind of felt like reading it all over even before i've reached the end of it, because i Felt there was something missing
    that i didn't understood but the way you unwrapped the ending was just perfect.
    I really love them poems that force me to think about different scenarios, and this just did, I really was very curious as to where you were headed with your words.

    this was brilliant, if anything this deserves my 5. and it does deserve a nomination. I really fell in love with the touch of maturity overall
    good job and nominated no bet
    allah ye7meki

  • 8 years ago

    by Decayed

    Looooooooove you and this.
    I can't stop reading this!
    This is so far YOUR BEST POEM!

  • 8 years ago

    by Meme

    Deserves a WIN !!

  • 8 years ago

    by Decayed

    Congrats baby gurl :)

  • 8 years ago

    by Jon914

    Hey congradulations on your win, you deserve it

  • 8 years ago

    by Reed

    Wow... just Wow!

    5/5

    Gratz

  • 8 years ago

    by Jessie

    Absolutely beautiful. This is a piece that becomes more wonderful after each read. Good job.

  • 8 years ago

    by Lostlove1

    This was the frosting on the cake Miss Poetess. :)

    for one second,
    she could stretch her hands
    to reality out of the mirror.

    So very creative you are. Nice poem Dollface! Congrats on winning!

  • 3 years ago

    by Em

    This is very creative.
    The imagery is amazing, the flow smooth.
    All round fab piece.

    Em