How I am?

All I want is for you to know what I experience,
what I undergo every night. It's not your fault,
do not think that, but you asked how I am
so allow me to be honest with you.
That's why I have to tell you about my night
rather than what happens during the day.

In the daytime the sun illuminates everything,
that couldn't be darker throughout the night.
It presents things in a light, that doesn't exist,
but now back to how I am:

Right now it is 1:37 am; I'm not waking up;
I never fell asleep. It's not because I didn't try,
just believe me I did, simply cannot sleep.
You need the feeling of safety, but you took that
with you when you left, or you have to be exhausted,
which I finally am. Good night for now!

I knew that it would happen, that I'd wake up
because of the silence that you left here.
And though I sent you away and let go
I don't feel as good as you might think.
You probably wonder why I acted that way.

I'll tell you: It was your certainty to not lose me.
You treated me good, but you didn't do everything
to make sure that there will be an "us",
because you were too certain about it.
By the way it is 4:12 am.

I wake up a second and last time and it's 5:43 am.
It takes a bit till I can orientate, but as soon as
I am in control of my faculties I realize it.
Your T-shirt, yes I still wear it while sleeping,
lost your smell. Did it actually lose it
or never even have it? But like I said,
it's not your fault because I shouldn't have expected,
that one person would be able to give me everything,
or even more important, would be willing to give me everything.

And now you know how I am. How are you?

*I'm sorry this ended up a bit longer than I wanted it to and I don't think it's good anyway, so I might delete it again, but I'd appreciate hearing your opinion anyway. Thanks.