Emotions

Mama,
I'm afraid of dying in the winter
and I hope i'll make it till spring
and in the spring i'll want to be around till summer
and I think I'm actually not as brave as I thought.

I want and I don't want
I understand everything
and I understand nothing,
I'm totally lost.

I know that I could make
all the malicious remarks
that come into my head
and make my mother cry,
that everything would be forgiven in advance
But I'm killing myself as I try
to stifle all that furor inside me
and i do everything I can to stop myself
from hurting my mother the way I need so badly to hurt someone in order to liberate all the violence and rancor that are brewing in my thoughts and seeking their revenge.

But I'm silently afraid
and I don't sleep well at night
and when morning comes I wish
that i could sleep to avoid the light
that throws me into a panic
but this is a communist country.
Blinds open,
everyone up,
six o' clock,
everyone eats,
even if no one is hungry,
TV off,
everyone to bed
and we simply follow the course of the sun like a herd of animals.