Jabal al Akhdar -2 (Haibun)
by Khalid M Darwish Nov 14, 2012
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Bayda, the Casablanca, the wettest part in Libya and the upper most region of the Green Mountain, the civilizational capital of Jabal al Akdhar District and the strategic symbol of the grandparent struggle against the Italian fascistic attack on Libya. Now it became the liaison between far east Tubruq to the western Benghazi through the Wadi al-Koof high bridge. |
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11 years agoby Hellon
Well...If you read my comment again you will see that I said it 'sounded'like something from google/a guidebook. There is no emotion in your journal part of this haibun and, as this is the most important part in this type of poetry it is lacking somewhat. A journal = notes that are taken throughout the day that will lead to a perfect haiku when you have the time to write it...
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11 years ago
by Hellon
Mmmm...well I think it's good that you have attempted this form and, I know it's not easy to do but....can I just break this down and give you my personal thoughts?
Bayda, the Casablanca, the wettest part in Libya and the upper most region of the Green Mountain, the civilizational capital of Jabal al Akdhar District and the strategic symbol of the grandparent struggle against the Italian fascistic attack on Libya. Now it became the liaison between far east Tubruq to the western Benghazi through the Wadi al-Koof high bridge.
This part reads to me like something you have taken from google or a tourist guide book. The part of this poem is really the 'journal'part. Notes taken down throughout the day about how you felt while being there (even if you haven't and are looking at a picture)..IMO these were someone else's thoughts...there was no excitement/emotion in your description and the most important part was, therefore missed, here. How can you go on to write a haiki from something that sounds monologue?
The Green Mountain's tip -
Circular chain of caves
a crown on kings head
Not really a lover of starting a haiki with the word the...maybe lush?
Counting 6 syllables in line 2 and it should be 7.
Anyway....nice that you attempted this form.-
11 years ago
Hellon!!! That's totally incorrect, and I haven't taken it from google for your knowledge. For your information I've been living and visiting these places for more than three decades. I've visited the Green Mountain forests for several times and as a so special note I've many relatives in Libya living in and visiting those places. I'm looking forward to writing the 3rd part Haibun about Cyrene, that ancient part near to Bayda which I also have visited.
Anyhow Hellon, never be encouraged just by reading the haibun without being sure of reality. Thank you for commenting.
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11 years ago
by Amreen
Won....der...ful...!!! Agree with darren here... You attempt forms and excel them as well... Great attempt... nominated:)
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11 years ago
by Mohan
Amazing written once again
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11 years ago
Add a syllable to the second line of the haiku.
I like this prose. It develops a theme which is contrasted by the haiku. Independence rather than subjugation. The crown of the mountain is the symbol of this release from foreign control.
