Showers of shame

by Yakari Gabriel   Nov 16, 2012


I used to take many
showers, daily-

more than the
usual, and no,
It was never because
Aruba is a tropical place

I used to lose myself
and let the water fall
on my body for hours
non-stop

just to have that
after feeling, that lightness
that cold, that wet hair sparkling
water all over, like raindrops

but my body was never filthy,
it was my soul that was.
I felt it, in the middle of my ribcage
that dirt there, making me drowsy
and sick.

water never did
anything for me, my inner
needed cleansing, my shame,
my pain, my guilt

It needed to go, or
at least to ease

so, I tried to get in touch with
my faith, I kept God in mind
all the time, I questioned Him,
I wondered about Him, I try to
trust Him as much as I possibly can

am I enough?
Do you truly love me?
with this dry hair with these
thick thighs, with all these stretch marks

will you hold me anyways?
am I truly yours?
can you heal me?

please heal me,
I beg you
to heal me

because I've tried
everything Lord,
but this feeling of
worthlessness
does not seem to really go away...

teach me how to love you God,
because I doubt my own
ways of loving,

and I seriously don't know,
if I am loving you right,
or if maybe, wrong is the only
way I know how to love.

    report violation
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Latest Comments

  • 13 years ago

    by Autuumnbree

    Very meaningful write, this poem touches on the inner person and the worth that person has of themselves due to past sins. Excellent

  • 13 years ago

    by Xanthe

    Exquisite write,

  • 13 years ago

    by Jenni Marie

    Okay here we go:

    Your opening lines were, to me, full of resentment and..loss? Yes, loss. Loss at what could have been, resentment at the fact you felt/feel "unclean" and anger that no matter how much you scrub..you just can't wash away your self doubt.

    "but my body was never filthy,
    it was my soul that was."

    ^^This brings me back to what I just mentioned-how you feel yourself...unworthy? I want to use a different word but knowing you..I'm going to go for that here?

    Your stanza about dry hair and strech marks is one of my favourites..we all have 'flaws' that we want to get rid of, that we think people will detest, that lower our self esteem--and your portrayal of this here is wonderful, if sad.

    "or if maybe, wrong is the only
    way I know how to love. "

    Another favourite-how many people can relate here? We all love someone we shouldn't, therefore making it 'wrong' whether it be a partner, or friend or someone you don't even know.

    I adore this..the fact you use the shower as the making for this poem is what really captivated me as so often I too have stood under the shower, hoping for the water to wash away my sins, guilt, remorse etc. And I'm sure many others have also.

    Now away from the poem and onto you..stop putting yourself down woman!

  • 13 years ago

    by Jenni Marie

    Oh Yaki..your latest pieces are hitting my heart hard..I'll be back with a comment!

  • 13 years ago

    by Beautiful Chaos

    I love this Yaki, even if it's not God we are trying to figure out, just to be able to love another and ourselves and feel like we are doing it right, can be such a struggle. Good work.

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