"A one-man band
has sketched poetry through his music
that is inspired by
the solitude that he has known,
an orphaned Chrysanthemum,
and a scene from 18th century."
- I really liked the opening lines.... I found something to be endearing about them. It automatically made me think of August Rush or a young man on corner streets in a foreign country. Beautiful specific about the chrysanthemum, gives him more character as well as the historic feeling, like maybe he hasn't aged so to speak but he feels ancient? Not having lived long but only finding a will to live through music.
"While his music paints a dream,
it secretly engulfs the dawn-
leaving black and white hues
that seem to resemble
a myriad of tears."
- Great wording here! I feel you used these words cleverly, not too many too close together, but with care. It was also simple but "engulf" has strength, especially in concerns to music overpowering nature. The "black and white hues" reminded me of the last line from the first stanza and the simple yet colorless moments he is living through.
"Memories deliver nostalgia
while he dives to
the sea of his erstwhile thoughts.
that is supposed
to be vanished now
echoes as Persephone sleeps."
- It's neat how you phrase this, never revealing the true memories that haunt him but expressing that call he hears from those memories, that echo. Definitely leaves the reader wondering how he came to be here.
"He really feels so sorry...
so he just sends
- In the first two lines, I'm not a big fan of "so" repeating. I tend to use it a lot in conversation, but they are both used too close in content in my opinion.
"With every step
in becoming a lovely flower,
he always wants
to be with her."
- I keep re-reading this part. First, I thought there were too many pronouns used. Then, I thought the "he always wants to be with her" sounds a bit awkward. Read again, this could just be me but I think it would read more smoothly as this for the second part:
"he wants to be with
or "he wants to be nearer".
Or something like that.
"She has walked 4,000 steps now
and he already created
his four thousandth prayer
through his music."
- The tense doesn't sound right to me here. Shouldn't "he already" be "he has already"?
I like the emphasis of the four thousand here, that number holds significance especially in the fact this last prayer has the utmost importance. His music isn't just noise or sound.
she is always happy."
- I was almost disappointed by the ending.... maybe in the fact it was just two lines and you seemed to be building up with the last few stanzas. Another part, it sounded too brief, short, almost like you were dismissing her.
Maybe for an added effect you could use "....." to show this is his one hope, desire?
Good job, please keep writing
6 years ago
My favourite from you so far I think!
Wonderfully written and your imagery is awesome, poet on the piano did a great job in breaking it down so ill just leave it there :)