A Spotlight and Window Casing

2014-06-10 00:26

Midnight just passed
and I'm sitting
with my feet hanging
beneath my window,
just watching that far-away
emptiness embracing stars,
hoping to write
some meaning to it
that applies to my own life

But I can't --
I want to write
that the emptiness
surrounding those lanterns
reflects how I feel:
that the life you left me,
barely hanging on a thread,
is surrounded by an abyss
of my natural self-neglect

And that'd resonate with me
in this wonderfully dull midnight
in which time passes slowly by;
where the only fire in my chest
that burns hotter than
the lingering stench of your whiskey breath
is anxiety, stress, and defeat,
because when you last sang
I abandoned all hope
of ever being happy again

because the music you showed me
I try to replay endlessly,
even now, years later,
at the same window
where we showed each other
the traces of our scars,
though your absence
aches in the sore spot beside me,
hoping it could erase
this crackling silence

Yet the stars remain the same,
shining through that emptiness,
the one I can't seem to overcome;
even though life is all you left me
I can't apply the poetry of this sky
to my own pitiful void --

I can't shine brightly enough,
I can't love myself enough,
I can't inhale hard enough,
I can't stop hating all of it

I can't stop loving exhaling
exhaustion with my every word;
I can't stop loving the pain
that burns in my throat
hotter than your whiskey breath,
invading my heartburn still,
wishing for my threads
to be caressed by this conflagration

And that's the difference
between me and the sky:
I sit here, insignificant and tiny,
drowning in self-pity --

yet the emptiness above
embraces the stars' light,
almost as if protecting it

so much that it'd surround it
tightly enough to make the light
shine in a way that reaches
so far, far away,
painting a stage
for its beauty to radiate --
a spotlight and window casing