Too late

Did i make a mistake ?
I decided to give up my escape i decided that suicide was no longer an option when i came to the realization well when i admitted i didn't want to die ...but now when I'm at yet another low i feel so trapped so trapped theres no escape theres no way out what am i gonna do its so hard and i can barely breath I'm so lonely without suicide im stuck here im stuck here to face who knows what to be completely shredded inside and out over and over again and i want rebuild once its gone i can only build up what ive come to find as a temporary wall its not real i thought it was i thought i was better but i was wrong it just came down and it was so easy and fast but yet it hurt so much more than the first time am i destined to be ruined over and over again only to gain unlimited happiness and promises of joy only for them to be ripped from me by my own hands my own hands wont let me have it i wont let me have anything not even death i cant breath i long for a breath of air in my lungs to feel something new and fresh filling in the empty torn down parts of me and even though it only last a moment it be ecstasy to just be whole to love and have no doubts of ones love in return to rest to be in ease to breath i feel as though i am a walking corpse im constantly stuck in the place of nowhere im a moment but not a memory i can reach the people around me but i cannot grab i can not hold i can only reach them as they pass by i can not receive i can not be reached but who would really try