Memories

Thank you so much

Hi there, just would like to make a few suggestions that I think would enhance this poem or make it more powerful in its message. Mostly regarding the structure of this piece and where I think you could add punctuation or spaces to give the readers pauses and more time to process.

"Can't sleep
it's been so long
but I still have nightmares about that night"

- Good opening lines, but they almost come across as too bland. Describe your insomnia more. Give exact times even. Or how long it's been instead of vaguely saying "it's been so long" since that nightmare or traumatic event happen. Perhaps you could instead write:

"Honestly, I can't sleep
even though it's been (insert # of days or weeks) since that night,
nightmares still probe me."

Just an idea though.

"I wish there was something I can do to erase
all the memories out my mind
all the bad choices I made
."

- Rework this stanza. It would sound better if "can" was changed to "could". I also don't think you need the "all" or "out of my mind". You could mention something about how you feel trapped in your mind, or like a prisoner even. Here's an example:

"I wish there was something I could do
to erase the memories, the wrong
choices I made."

"I hated who I was or
who I tried to be
all because I was running from the real me"

- Really like these lines. There's depth. Honesty. Self-hatred is one of the hardest things to deal with. As well as accepting who we are and forgiving ourselves for our past mistakes, so then we can move on to a new path of life.

"the spiritual me u guess"

- Don't see the point of this line? Unless you elaborate more it just seems stuck in there.

"I kept calling you but u were to busy u never came"

- I feel like this could be a separate line. Also, spell out "u". Also, instead of the passive "came", use a more telling word. "appeared", "helped", "aided me".

"I kept calling you but you were too busy;
you never saved me."

"I hid behind the blindfold
Afraid of what I might see"

- Don't feel like you need to capitalize the "A" in "afraid" since you are just continuing the thought. Add a comma after "see".

So it would read like

"I hid behind the blindfold
afraid of what I might see,
now the point of weakness still hunts me."

"seeing how low I let myself get
to the point where I couldn't just say
no
stop..
.quit"

- Interesting ending. Like you have no voice anymore. No willpower to say no to whatever has come back to haunt you.

Maybe write the last words like this?

In actual quotations to express the dialogue.

where I couldn't just say

"No"

"Stop"

"Quit."

All with their own line for emphasis.

Keep writing!