Not the typical latina who is feisty and psychotic. Just one who stands for something when she has to. In life there is nothing I hate more than being yelled at and being in physical pain. Which is ironic because up until my late teens those were the two things I dealt with the most. Some would say my mother was simply trying to make me decent. But to me she was just deeply violent for no valuable reason. Anyways, its forgiven and I have moved on.
The truth of the matter was that my mother tried to groom me and she failed miserably. She wanted to make of me what many think women should be. That is a mule to everyone else. Someone who is willing to put themselves last and sacrifice it all for someone else. Growing up I was never allowed to sleep in, she made me wake up and clean the house. I also wasn't allowed to rest and digest my food after eating. I had to get up immediately and do the dishes and clean the tables other wise 'they'll be too many flies inside the house'. That wasn't demanded of anyone else. Just me.
Don't take it out of context. This is not about me not doing the usual chores everyone had to do. But more so being forced to always be doing something for someone else. Resting on a sofa was unheard of. And if I did, I'd get all the insults in the world.
People would come to the house to drink and the next morning I had to pick up the empty bottles and caps. "Y no te kehes, y no seas floja, has lo que digo y callate" Eventually I decided that I really wasn't going to be with it. So the yelling got worse,and I started yelling back. Gillette dipped in alcohol for a tongue. it made her speak of me with hatred. With anger.
Always with that 'who do you think you are to not serve anyone else' tone.
Nowadays, I do clean often (for myself). I don't do drugs, I don't steal or do things that would classify me as a bad woman. However, to some people I have done the worst anyways. I chose me. Before anything else, before anyone else. I don't jeopardize my well being. No, I don't want to give my twenties to a child. No, I don't want a relationship. I hold absolute no interest in making food or pouring coffee to everyone that comes to visit 30 times a day while they know every corner of the house already.
My mother tells everybody that my ego is big. Dice "yakari se cree que es mejor que todo el mundo". But the core of it all is that I simply refuse to be sacrificial. Refuse to be a happy little server that caters to everyone while no one does anything for me. Refuse to be the last one to enjoy anything like she often does. Refuse to be a cow people can milk how they please.
I'm strict about everything when it comes to me. I'm not going to give up on my education abroad because people want me close. I am not giving up on the dreams I have set for myself. I'm not going to be where I am uncomfortable for the sake of making anyone else smile. If I said I don't like it there, don't take me. Can't make me. My no's are no's and my yes is a yes. I'm not going to let people walk over me just so they can say I am a good woman. This is my so called 'bad attitude' this is my 'downfall'. It isn't.
And here is to us. To the girls who break every single mold and do as they please. The ones who take the insults like punch to mouth but still don't give in. If you have the day off, sleep in. Get a massage. Take a long shower. the dishes can wait.
I know it makes you feel guilty. Truth is as women, we've been so conditioned to do everything for everyone else. So, when we do something nice for ourselves we feel like evil witches. Don't. There is no reason for you to feel bad about being selfish in the way you choose you.
Choose you. Today, tomorrow, always.
Let em hate. If you want my labor, you better pay me. I am not about to me 40 and withered because of husbands and children and cleaning up after every single party. You can either treat me like I am absolute gold or back off. and If I ever decide to indeed give something up for someone else, you better know it was out of choice. Out of will.
