In Survellience of Ships

by Everlasting   May 6, 2016


On a fence made of iron a man hung his boot
he was tall with a beard that had grown to his foot
this old man had a leg made of steel and of wood
and with it the old man had to work for his food

In the town where he lived he was known as a creep
just because this old man did not get enough sleep
So his eyes where too red and too black underneath
to the point that he looked like a flaw of Mother Earth

He would go to the town with his tattered-black pants
Just to sell a few fishes to pay for a transplant
But because he would smelt like he peed on himself
the town's people would laugh and spit on his self

The old man with white hair and with wrinkles on skin
would remain quietly while lowering his chin
As he cried the old man had to cover his face
but too often - couldn't bear his disgrace, and fled the place.

Then there came a sad day when the man had a dream
that with walking bare foot he would feel bliss in gleams
So he took off his boot and hung it on a fence
as he walked to the beach to get lost on the sea's scents

Then the man saw the sun as it hid from the day
Then the man saw a pier and he went there to pray
so the man found some peace and felt at ease
that the man came back as many times as he pleased

But one day...

He was there on the pier in surveillance of ships
when the man heard the waves as they came crashing in

...

And on him.

Written by: L.L.
May 16, 2016

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Latest Comments

  • 9 years ago

    by hiraeth

    "So his eyes where too red and too black underneath
    to the point that he looked like a flaw of Mother Earth"

    the last verse doesn't rhyme that well with the first verse, so maybe try something like:

    "So his eyes where too red and too black underneath
    to the point that he looked like bruised meat" ?

    "But because he would smelt like he peed on himself
    the town's people would laugh and spit on his self"

    smelt should be 'smell', smelt is the past tense, and you're speaking the present tense at the moment, also i find 'on his self' to be awkward phrasing, but it's valid, although I think it'd more appropriate to use 'hisself' versus 'his self'.

    "Then there came a sad day when the man had a dream
    that with walking bare foot he would feel bliss in gleams"

    The last verse feels a bit awkward (in terms of rhyme), maybe try 'bliss agleam' ?.

    That said, I think this piece can benefit from more punctuation. I enjoyed this piece. :)

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