I did it

by deeplydesturbed   Jul 14, 2016


I tell you three words
to your face for the first time.
I love you, Patrick.

You break down and cry.
It is emotionally
distressing for me.

I don't expect it.
You open your heart to me,
and I give you mine.

    report violation
2


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Latest Comments

  • 9 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    This really is an honest and endearing senryu string which you and your club are really cultivating wonderfully on this site.

    Great work.

    SL

  • 9 years ago

    by IdTakeABulletForYou

    Very strong. That fateful moment is the most dangerous but most relieving part in a relationship. I'm so proud of you!

    Suggestions for edits:

    I tell you three words
    to your face for the first time.
    I love you, Patrick.

    You break down and cry.
    It is emotionally
    distressing for me.

    I don't expect it.
    You open your heart to me,
    and I give you mine.

    Senryu's, drunk me believes that Senryu's are supposed to be present tense. Also, the poem sounds better in the present tense anyway, because it's almost like the reader is actually there as you're saying it. It's no longer a moment that's forever in the past, but a moment that's forever relived in the present.

    Wonderful job, darling. Congratulations, and I hope you don't hate the can of worms love brings :P

    Much love,
    IdTakeABulletForYou
    5/5

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