Twenty Twenty was meant to be my year.
You know, the one where I worked it all out:
Where I gave up the drinking,
got a better job,
built a house--no, a ‘home’.
2020: The year I started living for me again,
Perhaps travelled more,
Met some old friends,
Yet, it was not.
It will never be
and never can be.
Why? Because I have willed it.
I am the reason I drink too much,
that I don't sleep for what seems like days on end.
I am the reason for being stuck in this dead-end career,
yet I am also the only one who can save myself.
No more trying to rationalise why I am the way I am:
I did this to me.
I am the cause. I am the solution.
Yeah, the choices in my past are already made, but I can choose my future.
I need to stop relying on others to clean up the mess that is me.
Stop picking me up when I am down
And trust me, I can fall hard
Yet, here I am, still:
Going in the same circles,
Retreating back into the comfort of the same bad habits.
I surround myself with the same people
have a moment where I cut out the toxic ones,
Only to go straight back to them in the end.
And here I am, drinking not to have a good time
But to black out the fear, and, well... everything
I drink to black out life itself.
Because I am afraid:
Afraid to sleep, because I may not wake up;
Afraid to change jobs, in case I am not good enough
Am I smart enough?
Scared to move forward?
...because every time I have tried in the past, I’ve failed.
I have sabotaged myself
Time and time again.
I am not the person I allow you to see.
I keep well-guarded walls up
And it's not for my benefit
It's so you don't see.
So I can't hurt you, like I have so many others.
So when I walk away, you don't have any guilt.
When I leave this earth, by my own doing,
You won't have unanswered questions.
I will be but a blip in your life,
A tiny moment long-forgotten as you age.
I am, and will always be,
my worst enemy.
And I’ll protect you from me with my dying breath
** Thank you dearest S - as always - for every ounce of help you give**
The honesty is this is so real it hits hard. The struggles of life have been a real kick in the teeth this year and it's not surprising that many of us have retreated back to old habits but there are some comforts in those habits unfortunately. You will get there eventually and you are strong!!!!
Wow, that's a whole lot of honesty on a page.
Those mental demons are like chains preventing our progress. How to be free when they seem necessary to lock away the pain? The truth is the pain needs to escape. It needs to be understood. It needs to be harnessed. Trust in one's self is hard. We are all fallible, but I believe, everyone can become a better version. I've had tonnes of therapy and it's helped. It showed my demons for what they were, a series of poor choices. Its important not to be too hard on ourselves. The drink dulls the pain, but it also perpetuates it. You can do this, stop the cycle. X