Woah, this was haunting and sad... I immediately pictured someone young, just from the way you wrote this. What gave me shivers is that you didn't merely say she suffocated, but you made it that more hard-hitting by writing first that "suffocation swallowed her eyes" and that air itself couldn't "carry her last word". The title gave me a sense of moving on from this world to the next, that perhaps drifting away or the idea of flying away would not be such a harsh reality. I don't know how quite to describe it but it was like your words were violent yet written with this tragic tone that this girl had much more, her words, her voice, could have done so much more.
Thank you Milly and MA ^_^
And yes I did mean she had more. And if you look at my categorizing of the poem. The”You” at the beginning is referring to society. And what is more is that she wants to do more, her reality is what is suffocating her :)
Addressing the reader, reality as 'you' is clever. Pronoun use can be really important in poetry. 'They' would sound so trite, and as would 'reality'. You have enough nuance for this not to be immediately obvious.
This is a good poem. I like 'suffocation swallowed her eyes', as an image but I find it a little awkwardly phrased. Your subject is 'You', then it is 'suffocation', then 'air'. I feel some reordering of the lines could help that.
'Your hands grabbed the inside of her throat,
air couldn't carry her last word as
suffocation swallowed her eyes.'
I feel the focus is less jumpy here, but that's just a personal thing!
'Bits of life' sounds a little too...general, vague? I can't imagine 'bits', and nor do I feel 'held' is a strong enough verb for someone being suffocated.
I love the ending, because I really imagine her being lifted, not in control, struggling. The simplicity here was really stark. Enjoyed reading this. :)
I had troubled making sense of how this is written. Let me see if I can explain. I might rush the comment because my baby is sleeping and can wake up any moment.
So you started with
“Your hands grabbed the inside of her throat”
^i don’t think “the inside of” is needed. I’m picturing (literally )the inside of the throat. The redness.... meat, tendons, muscles.... and I can’t exactly figure out how the inside of the throat is being grabbed.
Then suffocation swallowed her eyes
I can picture that line
Then Air couldn’t carry her last word
You are personifying Air. Now, I’m confused as to who is “her” in the rest of the poem.
“The redness.... meat, tendons, muscles.... and I can’t exactly figure out how the inside of the throat is being grabbed.”
That exactly was my point, I wanted you to picture that, and how you can’t even understand that it can be possible. I wanted it to be strong.
And I am really happy to have those comments from you, I missed them ;) so thank youu