To Marry You

To Marry You

Marrying you
Terrifies me.

With the weight of “I do”
I promise to stay,
Instead of run away again.

I commit to build
And not destroy
Myself.

I commit to building us.
I commit to build our family.
I commit to protect you,
And to protect you,
I must by default,
Hang around to do so.

I stare at the ceiling
When you have fallen fast asleep
And wonder
If I am made of the stuff
That won’t break you,
If I break me.

I’ve watched addiction
Ravage families
Consume hope and love and trust,
Feast on joy
Until there is nothing left.
I don’t trust me
To not be that again.

A couple years is too little time
To undo patterns
Of a lifetime.
Patterns that resurface
All the time.
Patterns whose familiarity
I miss.
A strained safety in the chaos.

The temptation to run away
Is eating away
My waking sleeping dreams,
To hurt you now,
To save you from then,
To save us from when.

I love you.

It terrifies me
To marry you.