Chasing Life

by Once an Angel   Jan 17, 2021


Do not ask me to live.
You alone
have the power I hear
to request this burden from me.
I beg you,
with these dregs of me,
do not ask me to live.

Life is full of reasons I heard,
so trusting that I sought them all.
Reasons came, like inhalations of light,
but after, in the ending hours,
the darkness slunk back in.
Each time darker
each time deeper,
as with it exhaustion grew.
All my running and racing,
leaping and bounding,
has slowed on the walk to nowhere.
I beg you, with all that I am left,
do not ask me to live.

Meaning and purpose I found
in work with the healing profession.
I worked through myself,
and then taught what I knew,
stoking the sparks of purpose forward.
Then came a time
I’ve learned always comes,
when I am not needed anymore.
The meaning dispersed into a thousand new torches,
leaves me with no fire of my own.
A healer not needed is a healer lost,
and I am lost, again.
Do not ask me to live.

Relationships they said to me
bring richness to the poorest life.
I sough them with most excruciating effort
from all of my shy soul.
With luck, I didn’t deserve I found a few,
people who took the soul I poured for them,
and offered me theirs in return.
No one warned me, none prepared me,
for the truth that came next –
throughout life, people come and go,
transient are relationships at best.
The most beautiful relationships pass
over distance, distraction, reaction, and time.
The people who held my soul,
took it on their way,
and without it I am lost again.
Do not ask me to live.

In the darkness, I wondered,
And heard it was a victory to survive.
Victim to survivor,
survivor to thriver,
and then I would find life again.
Can you see them,
the skid marks from my hands
as I have been clawing onto life?
My nails are bent and broken,
with the blood dripping down my arms.
My grip is slick as I am holding onto life,
in the dear way they say I should.
Seeking another and another and another,
the reasons all end the same,
and there they sit with their reasons
saying I must chase reasons again.
It’s exhausting
in my soul,
this chasing life
where nothing stays.
I can’t remember, if I ever knew,
why I must keep chasing.

It is duty that has me hanging here,
my least desirable reason of all.
Duty to some unknown keeper of morals
who some say “runs the show”.
I’d come to you on my knees,
I have no pride left,
but there is no ground below me to kneel on.
Please.
Drop the curtain.
Let me let go.
Don’t ask me to live.

9


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Latest Comments

  • 3 years ago

    by Mr. Darcy

    congratulations - I really do like this. :)

  • 3 years ago

    by IzL

    I loved this poem.
    lately Ive been pushing myself to live and not let life pass me by.
    I go on due to the hope that things will get better eventually. I go on because I look back and I dont regret loving as hard as I did (even though it didnt work out).

    My favorite line from your poem was the following "The most beautiful relationships pass
    over distance, distraction, reaction, and time"

    <3

  • 3 years ago

    by Mr. Darcy

    Living is hard when the reasons to choose death are compelling. Your account will certainly resonate with many readers. Why do we go on? Is it fear of death, or our fragile, yet seemingly endless hope that our meaning to live will present itself. While we struggle on, we do what we can for others, healing them and supporting them to be all they can be. Why do we do this? We are, on the whole, selfless and know that happiness is often achieved by helping others.

    I like this piece, I like the repeated line as this increases its meaning each time it's read.
    Keep chasing those reasons.

    • 3 years ago

      by Once an Angel

      Thank you for the read and comment. I think sometimes poetry exists as a place to hold the darkness we don’t want in ourselves. Maybe this poem can do that for me, and anyone else who stumbles upon it.

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