Once upon a time I was a keen sighted individual, fully capable of love, success, determination, motivation, and basically anything I set my mind to. The same cannot be said at this moment as I have lost my way over the years. I have become a monster of destruction, hurting and destroying everything I set my sights on, though not intentional, it's how my mindset has evolved over time. My mind dwells on the darkest of thoughts which make me incapable of living life in such a way I can be proud of. I’ve made excuses and blamed everything imaginable on my actions over the last decade, but in the end I can only blame myself. My mind resides on every negative thought, which in turn, keeps me from making rational decisions and these decisions have hurt those closest to me, including myself. I’ve been sick and disoriented for so long, that it makes it hard to make the right decisions anymore.
Now I must deal with the true consequences of my actions, nearly 10 years worth of bad decisions have come crumbling down on me, sucking the life out of me as I have sucked the life out of everyone around me, true karma in it’s finest form. I stand to lose the only woman ever capable of sticking by me through all the good and bad as well as the empire we have built, but with that being said, I’ve come to terms and am willing to embrace the consequences of my behavior. For every problem that has risen within my life, I have always found a way to overcome and keep moving forward. Being “sick” is no longer an option for me as time is not eternal, nor am I unfortunately.
Although not all hope is lost in my current empire, and if fate decides so, it will take an enormous amount of time to heal the wounds I have inflicted upon those around me. Sacrifice and change are in order, regardless of fate’s decision. My most complicated battle will be myself and my mind, a challenge I am willing to accept. For the time being, my focus is no longer on my love for another, but for the love of my legacy, my children, because they are my reason for walking this earth everyday. They deserve to have what I didn’t, a father figure to guide them through this life, to help them make the right decisions, to keep them from becoming what I have in the recent years, and most of all, someone they can come to when in need.
I will tell myself everyday that this is not the end, only the beginning of a new life for me, as I only have one, I shall not waste it. It’s time to become the man I once was, no more excuses, no more dwelling, no more destruction, only living. I will embrace the love around me and pass it on to the heirs of my legacy. They deserve to be surrounded by love and happiness, not a world of a distant father who lives in a selfish mind.
