Don't Recognize This Me

looking back I don’t recognize
that girl hiding in the closet,
how I wish I could help her
but we haven’t met
I hear, her screams
see the tears she hid
so much torture
for such a little kid
the fear resonates
deep in her eyes
she may not be perfect
but at least she tries
wanting to please
never letting you down
but then falls apart
when she thinks no one is around
‘it’s not worth it’ I tell her
‘they don’t really care’
‘just look, when you need them
they’re not there’
‘stop surviving for them;
live for yourself’
‘you may not see it now,
but some day you will get help’
she won’t believe me,
I already know
and that seed of hatred in her
it will only grow
everyday I feel it
festering in my soul
the more I keep her memories,
the more it gains control
love turns to resentment
happiness to dread
she only wanted a family
got monsters instead
demons scrapping away her humanity
till she’s nothing but a shell
and a woman emerges, so spiteful
that, she could run hell
and that woman takes it out
on a world that did her wrong
saying that’s what it deserves,
for when she wasn’t strong
and she will crumble
under the pain that covers her skin
until she hits rock bottom
and decides to begin again
that person that evolves
now looks back and doesn’t understand
how she could survive
this terrible life’s hand
the emotions they flood me
so much I wish I could shout
when all I was really looking for
was just a way out
I don’t recognize these people
but I feel all their woes
so much pulling them apart
so much, that no one would know
you don’t know how hard it is
to keep all of that in line
I’m still picking up the pieces
that previous me’s have left behind
that vindictive woman isn’t me,
neither is that scared little kid,
although not me, my past
something I won’t get rid
not sure where to go from here
I’m still finding my way
until then, I will continue to pick myself up
and tell myself that it will all be okay.