Missing safety.

What I miss the most
is finally feeling safe enough
to let you see the fearful parts of me.

For once, I was not self-conscious,
hugging my knees,
not feeling like I had to
apologize for the silence.

You watched me,
I felt your gaze protect me.
You typed some notes,
the keystrokes soft yet constant,
and I felt my pain being held.

I didn't have to pretend.
I didn't have to explain myself.

You let me decompress,
letting me know you would be patient.

You promised you would be there,
you promised in so many subtle ways.
I didn't expect you'd leave.

Perhaps I should have prepared for this,
but now I only hold your absence.

I wonder if our time together was ever real,
if safety will always mean
I have to say goodbye.