How To Be Genuine

I am not OK.
I haven't been OK in a long time.
And I am tired of hearing
'It's OK not to be OK'
I'm tired of it because it's not true.

There's always some degree of pressure to act more OK than you actually are and it doesn't matter if that pressure come from yourself or someone else, the point is it exists.

If I didn't put on some faction of an act I wouldn't get out of bed or hold a conversation.
I don't know how to push through the day with out some kind pretense.
I don't know how to be functional and be completely genuine about the sadness that sits in my belly because after a while people get sick of that sad, I get sick of that sad.

They get tired of my depression because it depresses them and I get tired of that depression because it's exhausting.
They don't want to only hear the negative and I don't want to only talk about the negative but sometimes there isn't any positivity to express.

It's OK not to be OK isn't OK when when what you feel is that it's only OK not to be OK a little bit but not too much.
It's OK not to be OK isn't OK when in reality everyone and even yourself requires you to be a little bit OK even if you have to fake it.

Tell me how am I supposed to be genuine about my sadness when even the mental health team tell me it's OK not to be OK an do not mean it.
- By JBO