I Remember Laughing In My Therapists Face

by Jenna Bella Oldridge   Apr 3, 2024

I walked every avenue of avoidance just to find out I could not avoid this.
Everytime I shut down the experience it resurfaced somewhere else futher down the line.
It got to the point where even when I shut my eyes I could still see it.
Even when I pushed razors into my skin I could still feel it.
Over time I learnt I couldn't run away from it without eventually running back into it.
My therapist told me from the start that at some point I was going to have to sit with myself and I laughed.
OK, I told him, I'll sit with myself but not like this.
Only it is like this. I sit here now with my feelings and I fight the urge not to shun them and its the hardest thing I've ever had to do, to be with my trauma, to focus on the way it feels in my body and respond to it mindfully, meaningfully without hurting myself, to give it space rather than block it out but I am too exhausted to keep running, to weary to keep trowing obstacles in the way.
I'm finally getting introduced to the idea that if I face this, if I learn to sit with myself amongst all this hurt and anger that I won't have to spend the rest of my life running away from what happened


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Latest Comments

  • 2 weeks ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "To be with my trauma" - YES.

    I get called out constantly for my avoidance, or my tendency to change the subject. It has amused my therapist before (though me not so much lol). I'm often so closed off or physically uncomfortable. It's hard to sit with the discomfort, reflect on it, feel it, use it as fuel perhaps for good. And I always deny deny deny that I need to face certain things... but then it ends up dysregulating me at random times or coming up time and time again without any resolution. There's that reality that eventually, as you wrote, you become too exhausted at the running... at whatever we use to distract or push it all away.

    Really resonated with this.

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