Redneck Wedding

Redneck Wedding
By Mark Spencer

Dearly Beloved; and you too Earl,
We have all gathered here together,
In everyone's favorite bingo church,
To hitch these young-uns up forever!

Let me hear you all say yea-ya!
Luke here has finally gotten wise;
He dumped that city girl hussy,
And here we are; what a surprise.

Rumor has it, she slept around!
An adulterous woman was she!
She wasn't very good in bed,
At least that's what most men told me.

She wasn't without her talents though.
She once sucked an ice cube through a straw!
A skill only a city girl would have,
The men who witnessed it were in awe!

Forgive me if I seem distracted.
Let's get back to the affairs at hand.
Did I say affairs? My mistake.
I hope you all try to understand.

Luke, do you take your cousin Peaches
To be your lawfully wedded wife?
Do you promise to kiss her butt,
For the rest of your natural life?

Will you love, honor and respect her,
Even when she does nothing but nag?
Will you leave the toilet seat down
Now and until she's an old hag?

And Peaches, will you have sex with Luke
Even when you're not in the mood?
Get a Martha Stewart cookbook,
And try to fix this boy some real food?

Will you please learn that trick with the straw?
And you know my number if you do.
Now, let's get this thing over with,
So we can start that barbeque!

Georgie, catch that chicken with the rings!
Be careful on that foot, if you can.
You're lucky Luke only shot you there.
This way, you can still be his best man!

Okay boys, you'd best cock your rifles!
This time, you better aim for the head!
Anyone out there have a reason
Why this couple should not be wed?

Anyone? Alright, put em down boys.
I know, it is a big bummer;
But you still might get to shoot someone
When the tourists arrive this summer!

So, by the authority of the church,
And the fact that I can smell that meat,
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Now kiss your bride so we can eat!

End.