Hidden Complexion, Failing Perfection

*Not one of my best, but figured I'd post it to see what sort of reaction I got*

When I read a poem of suicide,
I turn my head and hide my eyes.
I'm so afraid it will influence me,
Pushing out my cries.

I hear of how it helps release the pain,
I try not to, but I believe.
I removed sharp things from my sight,
One day this pain I may relieve.

I'm so afraid I may betray my own trust,
I try and let it out with tears.
No matter how much I try,
I can't rid myself of fears.

I have tried so hard to cope,
The years only bring more pain.
I have taken it out on my pillow,
This rage, I try to tame.

I just want so badly, to see the stress drip out,
Watching each bead go away.
God, you refused me one too many times,
I don't want to live in this day.

You force me to move on,
But I just stay the same.
I am trapped in the sadness,
I am named a shame.

Hope had started to slip away,
But still I held on.
Thinking of all the pain,
So much I could have withdrawn.

Each time I try to sleep,
Stay away from my depression.
I just dream of a better life,
Each day dreaming session.

I want to sleep forever,
In my dreams I do not fail.
I am getting so much attention,
Watching me as I exhale.

I only want to be loved,
Please find my departing letter.
These dreams hurt more than they help,
I wish I could be so much better.

I am crying even now,
I don't know what's wrong with me.
It hurts to look back on all those times,
I was down on my knees.

I just don't think you care,
You've scarred me to the core.
I hate you for every time,
I cried as you grinned galore.

Every tear was invisible,
Every smile was a lie.
They can't see the emptiness,
Gleaming from my eyes.

No one knows me,
As well as I do.
I don't understand me,
Neither do you.

But I have learned one thing,
Lies won't get you far.
You don't like who I know I am,
Yet, you don't even know who you are.

I am trying so hard,
Making these bricks fall.
Then you go and push me,
To build back up that wall.

I want to die so bad,
Too much for a twelve year old.
I'm sorry that you hate me so,
I would be dead if I did what you told.

If I held it all inside,
More than I do now.
I would have started slitting my wrists,
Instead of writing poems, I wouldn't know how.

So the next time you tell me what to do,
Just know that I won't listen.
I hate my life; I wish to keep it,
My cheeks I do let glisten.

Please take a moment to comment/vote, hope you enjoyed it.

Megan 2004 §