The mess i made

I cannot find the words
they are difficult to acquire
all i can say is
my world is on fire

it is burning me deep
scarring my skin
reminding me of
the mess i am in

i defy my boyfriend
and lie to his face
i take him for granted
his words i erase

i ignore his request
to stay away from his friends
but he is not aware
that my loyalty bends

i realize he would hate me
if he found out
the guilt is embedded in me
like tiles in grout

so i resort to cutting
to pay for my defiance
but the pain still lingers
as though it formed, with me, an alliance

the solution is simple..
stop flirting with his friends
but if i lost them
would i receive amends?

*i don't want to give up what i have with my guy friends (who are also my boyfriend's friends), but i don't want to lose my boyfriend. please comment/vote.*