Decisions

I pick up the knife
Then put it back down
I smile wishfully
Then decide to frown

I pick it up again
And test its' heavy weight
I hold it to my skin
Then drop it to the floor

I congratulate myself
I have overcome
Or, at least I thought so
Where is this coming from?

I want to feel the pain
I long for my answers
Again and again
To my unasked questions

I reach down to the floor
To grasp my life's escape
I take my knife once more
When did it become mine?
Another question to explore

It is definitely mine
I deserve it more than ever
I want another line
To add to my collection

I cannot decide
So I do what I always do
I throw out my pride
And recieve forgiveness in turn

Although it is through blood
I deserve the hurt
I am so horrible
You should treat me like dirt

I have time to think
I watch the ruby pain
It doesn't hurt, not really
I'm not one to complain

I don't want to stop
I love my dark secret
Besides, you get what you deserve
And I deserve what I get