Last Night -- [NOT a poem, just a piece of my broken mind]

Last night in the midst of crying tears of pain I tried SO HARD to wish away
I caught myself wishing you were here
Here to tell me "It will all be okay"
You were the one, and the only one that could convince me that one day-
I'd breathe without feeling like my lungs were caving in

And it's strange, because as soon as I started to lean to take deep breaths
And fill my lungs with clean, crisp air-
You took all your words of comfort, and you ran- not looking back
Well, I hate to sit here and say, "I miss you"- But we all know lying isn't my thing
*- Unlike you -*

Well I've got a few things left on my mind that I never really had the chance to say-
Honestly- I think it's because you never really gave me the chance.
I know I am at fault
Though I am not alone in these faults...

But you selfish son of a bi*ch. It's pretty safe to say that I hate you. In these past months that I've been here, I've had time to recall my heart, and mend my bruises, but I've wondered. In fact, I've pleaded with God to help me through, because once again, I painfully breathe alone. And as you well know, I don't even believe in God. Sadly, I find it oddly pathetic that I'm sitting in this place, here, now, still wishing I had the friend you made me believe I did. But I think what hurts the most is the fact that you know exactly what you did, and the impact you've left embedded in my soul, and you STILL won't say a word. At a time when words are most needed, you've run out. But last night, well, last night was different. I needed you. I haven't needed, nor wanted your words of wisdom since the day you "oh so gracefully" fled, but I did last night. For the first time in months, I needed to hear you say it'd all be okay. But the worst part is, I seem to be hating myself for wishing you could do something. I should not feel guilty for wishing I could hear the one thing I NEED to hear. I'd love to show you what you've done to me, what your empty words have pushed me into. But never the less, I am just looking for someone to blame. And perhaps part of you really did break me even further, but it was my fault for ever giving my trust to you. So, through all of this, now that I've reached the conclusion that this is all my fault, and that you are not to blame for how I feel, and the things I did last night, and that you're not responsible for not being there when you said you would be ... Well, Shame on me. And not that it means ANYTHING at all, because I'm sure I'm a distant memory of a part of your past you wish you could erase, and thought I HATE to say it ... I still care. Not that I'd ever let you know. But I do. And I Hate Myself For It.

- I know this isn't a poem, I just didn't have anywhere else to go, and this site is a great release. I feel safe submitting it here because I know that the person this is to won't ever take the time to read it, but I feel better sort of putting it out in the public for all to see. -