Confusion

I listen to the music,
I read the notes,
I recall the memories,
I feel her pain,
I look at the knife,
I try to calm down,
I take the pills,
I sit alone,
I cry the tears,
I waste away,
I want her back,
I want her away,
I wish she'd hate me,
I wish it'd end,
I want to be happy,
I want to be normal,
I want to know how,
I sit and think,
Is this what I want?