Tears Of Ink

I can't begin to tell you,
exactly how I feel,
because I am to ashamed,
that what's happening is for real.

I know that I must tell you,
or someone else I trust,
but my thoughts are locked up way to tight,
and these locks I cannot bust.

So I will write it in a poem,
then hopefully you will see,
exactly how I am inside,
not what I pretend to be.

My insides are always crying,
my heart and soul feel raw,
I can hear the grave calling my name,
feel the pull of its sinister claw.

I've never really smiled,
with any meaning behind the look,
it's just on the list of things I must do,
if I want my sadness to be overlooked.

Whenever I let out a laugh,
its just to hold back the tears,
that threaten to rain on my "sunny" skies,
and expose all my pain and fears.

I've thought about my suicide,
twice for ever star in the sky,
I know that's not what you want to hear,
but I'm sorry I will not lie.

My reasons to stay are wearing thin,
and I see the bottom approaching fast,
I'm writing you this poem so I can explain,
before the final decision is cast.

I feel like I have the midas touch,
only everything I touch turns cold,
and eventually it snaps or turns on me,
no matter how the story is told.

I feel like I'm walking alone,
through the jungle of torture and sin,
and the one way I can possibly escape it,
it so embrace my handmade coffin.

To take the final step,
to embrace the other side,
weather it be good or bad,
it starts with my suicide.

My heart will no longer be beating,
my voice won't whisper in the breeze,
but my tears won't fall in never ending streams,
and my mind won't be crippled with disease.

My body will rot underground,
but my soul will be set free,
it won't be tied down, or masked, or buried,
it will fly high into obscurity.

My ears won't ring with venomous comments,
my mouth wont betray my mind,
and when I've finally given up hope,
this poem is what you will find.

For it explains whats going on,
shines a light on the darkness inside,
lets you into a world I've kept hidden so far,
a world where my pain and fear reside.

My only window to my depression is my poems,
because it's better the less you know,
that way you won't feel as much pain,
when the time comes that I must go.

If you remember my smile,
my laughs and not my tears,
then my body can rest in peace,
for all the upcoming years.

Don't worry you cannot stop me,
my choice was made a long time ago,
but for now I'll wait till the time is right,
so I can hurt the fewest of people I know.

Hopefully after time they will see,
that I'm better off underground,
so I begin my dance with the rope,
because it makes the least sound.

I just wanted to tell you I love you,
but nothing you could do would make me stay,
it will be better for everyone after time,
cause the pain had washed my soul away.

I'm just riding the earth of my shell,
making room for something new,
my heart goes out to those I'll hurt,
but it was something I had to do.

©
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