Torment

Through much of life I did not walk
I was a dangerous man often times driven
I did not step as much as stalk
Surviving more than livin'

The pirates' code said it all
Take all you can, give nothin' back
Always on the edge waiting for a fall
Seemingly slipping through the crack

An opportunity brought about a change
Taking a career that forever marked my life
My emotions and psyche I would rearrange
In order to avoid internal moral strife

I would tell my stories and friends would howl and hoot
Color leaving their faces and silence filling the room
As I spoke about the decision to shoot
Suddenly they felt my eternal sense of doom

Inevitably they would ask how did that make you feel?
I would lie and say I felt nothing at all
The decision was automatic and surreal
Later I would again feel so small

I did things that forever affected someone's life
Others in my shoes would do the same
For me it created such internal strife
Forever I will carry some guilt and blame

The call of duty left me feeling spent
When I did things in which I did not believe
It was as if my soul was for rent
A torment I could not relieve

Recently I have felt free from torment
The love of a woman has freed my soul
Night sweats are no longer how my evenings are spent
She has chased the demons and made me whole