I will hate you for all eternity

*sorry its so long*

Some days, I grow to loathe myself so much
It's a hating so intense,
So haunting
It fills my soul until I sicken
And die

I dream of death
And the peace it would bring
To the people around me
I mean nothing

I wish I could leave
This old place behind
And start a new life
Somewhere else,
Where I have no history

I wish everyday
To become someone I'm not
But each time I try
The mask falls once
And the illusion is ruined

I tried being happy
I tried really hard
And I hate myself more
For not loving everything around me
I have been given so much
And I shouldn't feel like this

I hate every thought that runs through my head
And hate myself for hating them
I love all I have been given
My family and friends
But I hate myself for betraying them
By not being able to speak
No matter how hard I try
It's so easy to deny all that hurts
Except I never want to hurt them
And I hate myself that I do
And I hate that I hate so much

I can't hate other people
Only a few make me angry
I can learn to love and trust anyone
But not myself
Oh god no, not me
I am the epitome of all that is wrong with the world
And never, will I ever be able to love this grotesque monster

They say it's the inner beauty that counts
So I must mean nothing
Because inside I'm rotting
I'm poisoned
And disgusting
A festering corpse,
Leaving a bitter taste in your mouth

And this is why I spent so many nights
Working on my skin
To release the pain within
And yet it is not.
I can't explain it, I just cant right now
The passion and self loathing has built up to such a point I think im going to explode
Or die.

And these thoughts that haunt me day and night
Of death and peace
And the after life
Are so selfish
And I hate myself so much for thinking them
And I hate myself for being so weak
That I slice up my skin each night
And I can't stop
I'm addicted.

And so this self perpetuating cycle continues.

I hate myself.
And I hate it that I hate myself.