One Cut Isn't Enough

At first just a small scratch -
No blade.
No blood.
No mess.
Why am I so stupid,
I should know by now that
One scratch isn't enough.
Tears spill out of my eyes
And down my face
Adding to this distaste gone wrong.
Looking in a mirror is now
Too hard to do.

One scratch to two scratches?
What difference does it make -
No-one fu0king cares.
I cant stop myself;
I know it makes me feel better.
But why cant I be happy...
It seems that in my world
Pain replaces everything.
Two scratches plus a cut?
Who will ever know.
I reach for the blade,
The thing I live my life by,
Then I wonder how I ever thought I
Could be strong enough to
Live without it.
It makes everything so easy,
Takes away all my pain,
Makes me almost want to
Smile not cry.

Now each cut becomes deeper -
I cant stop now,
One more wont hurt.
And so it continues,
My pain getting less,
The cuts getting more,
Each cut being deeper than the last.
The crimson shows my hurt,
Makes me feel better.
Seeing myself bleed makes me
Feel in control.
So I do more,
Pressing the blade harder
Into my scarred skin:
I'm so numb I
Cant feel a thing.
The latest pattern stop bleeding,
So i run the blade over it
Again
And
Again.

I know in reality it doesn't help,
But releasing my hurt
Makes life better.
A cut for the lies.
A cut for everything that has gone wrong... again.
I'm strong for still being here,
Yet weak for giving in to self harm
After all this time.

One more cut i think
As my trembling hand
Fingers the blade
And my tear filled eyes
Glance at my arm.
Surely no-one will notice?
It's easy enough to hide,
No-one gives a second look;
Only I know what lies under the sleeve of my jumper...
But I'm still here,
Ready to face another day,
Ready to hope things
Are better tomorrow.

This time,
The last time tonight,
I press on my pale arm so hard that
I feel it slice through
All the layers of my skin,
Then I bleed more
Than I've bled for weeks.

But then I forget.

None of this matters.