Misery + Ecstasy

"my ecstasy is my misery,"

and she swallowed the pill,
counting the minutes that
separated their difference:

misery and ecstasy, walking
hand-in-hand through the rut
in the valley of denial, drowning
so deep in the waves of blurred
stimulation; hopeless, her nerves
crack,
rushing past the speed of pain,
only to slide through her fingertips
back onto another pill that,
yet again,

she holds onto like a sleepless lover
in the glow of capsules and a blacklit
agony; her heart beats erratically-
a prisoner waiting to break free
from its cage, and feel life, smoothly
coursing through her veins, yet-

her pulse spikes and eyes roll back
to a place of no thought; no judgment
to measure just what she's living for,
looking for, or why - a fairytale land
of neon greens and electric
emotion
a place where she's alone
just enough to be comfortable
in a room full of dead light and
decaying relationships;
she turns her back, knowing
she'll be stabbed, bound, tied and
gagged.

but this way,
no one will notice her eyes
rolling
back, moving
to the violent heartbeat-
stifling her mumbled pleas
of lonely syllables
not a soul will hear -

"please,
just bring me back"