This is really an amazing poem...i surely can relate to it...
i like the way it flows, it flows like a melody, so wonderfully real...
a really sad theme, though...depression is one of the worst things there is...
Wow, I love the first line. It really intrigued me. But maybe if you added a - after it while in transition two your second line.. But a wonderful way to start your poem.
Your emotions are really strong and the descriptions are vivid yet clear. I like that. But one suggestion, capitalize all of the first letters in each line. It may not affect the way others look at the poem but for most it kinda makes it uglyl. In a strange way. Lol. Also, always always always capitalize your I's. That is a must. It really turns someone off in a reader type of way. Hope that made sense.
Other than that I really liked how strong your emotion was. Your flow was relatively smooth. So great job.
First up: Your "I"s need to be capitalized. It throws me off to read poetry when proper gramer and punctuation are not used.
I liked the fact that this piece didn't rhyme. It's good to see people writing poetry that doesn't rhyme. A lot of people think that because it's poetry it has to have a rhyme. I think not.
I see you've written a free verse poem. I like the fact that you have done this without a structure. It's not as neat as structured poems, though it's a piece of poetry which doesn't deserve to be judged by it's look.
This poem had a touch of cliche to it. I feel as though i've read it many times before but from different writers. I think that you could try and create something new. Something different. Something unique. I know it's hard when everythings been written about atleast once before but try adding a twist. Or different words for that matter.
Your vocab was simple, still effective but I would of liked to see some strong word choice been added into this mix. Your words still managed to portray alot of deep emotion though I think it could of been more powerful by better words.
let my spirit rise from its grave,
to sing its sweet sacred song.
I liked the two lines above. The use of alliteration gave them a smoothe effect.
The flow, Now in places I felt like it was off and in others it felt quite beautiful. Not forced what so ever. I feel as though the flow was only off a touch in places because of the longer lines which held more syllables, as where the shorter lines had less syllables. Try match them up a little bit to create a smoother flow. That usally works for me.
The imagery within some places was great, others it lacked. I liked some of your description, other places I didn't. Like I said before through stronger words. More powerful poetry is created. I believe that, that would of been the case with the imagery.
The meaning behind this was a good one because it showed many people who have read this what depression can do to someone. It also helped people who have depression showing them they are not alone and others feel their pain also.
Overall this was a good piece but not great. It wasn't a favorite from you. I've read a few of your pieces before and I just feel this didn't grasp my attention like the rest did.
Still the meaning behind it good and the emotion was nicely etched in.
I know a poem does not actually need stanza's to be a poem, but it DOES break up your ideas to make them more managable, I think you could really benefit from this as it will help you determine which piece goes where and will help you switch parts when you think it just doesn't flow right.
The first line left me no imagination, you already direct the narrative: Wrapped in your never ending circle/ and then you give us more information that I think could have been kept quiet til later. Even implied maybe: Of imaginary love.
Instead of creating an atmosphere of desperation, which would have helped this piece a lot, you rush it with: Trying to escape/ your arms clench a hold. If you wanted to, you could have used metaphors or something, description even, to show how tight the hold is without saying it: Sometimes LESS you mention and MORE you imply helps the reader's imagination see this poem.
We get that this piece is a narrative: Removing filler words can help a lot. Once you establish that the writer is an: I. Mentioning the word I more than twice at the most usually becomes unneeded. The same exact thing for you, it's just pounding it in the reader's mind that this is a narrative. In time, this could lead to a loss of focus, and that means less readers who will put an honest comment. Most poems I read, I barely get through but I'll state the reasons why I couldn't, instead of most people who would just slap on a 5/5 comment.
You mention: Your love is fake. That's just repeating the first line of: Imaginary love.
You say: Tell me who I am but you must know who you are if you can say: Who I am is no longer who I used to be.