For the girls.. prt1

Pick me apart with your words of hate, with each remark you could not say to my face, murder me with your opinions. With such abhorrence it burns the flesh and eats at the soul. I hope I never fade as I flow through your veins. In your eyes, I hope you see me as a person with real emotions and real sorrow, even if you can only see an attention seeker.
But she�¢??s not bleeding on the bathroom floor. Just. For the attention.
Don\\\\\\\'t you remember that quote you used to tell me that to try and get it through my head that i had a problem. I told my stories because I trusted you, because I am the type who needs to talk to face up to my problems, my fears. I need reassurance from those I look up to, that I am going to be okay.
Its hard finding evidence intertwined with hate; from those who told you �¢??you�¢??re wonderful�¢?? thoughts entrap you�¢?�¦ did they trick you into trusting them? I feel like I�¢??ve lost the battle, although it never should have been one. I always thought we loved each other, for better or for worse. My girls I called them, and I battled myself trying to protect them. I never wanted to share my secrets and I still have most of them locked away. Thank god. I am only half exposed but that is half more than I should be, a lot more than I wanted to be.
I feel betrayed and completely empty. There�¢??s nothing left. Just like there never is. It seems I�¢??m always happy and fulfilled and in one moment it is all gone. All of it. People wonder why I am the way I am, because people always leave me, because I�¢??ve become so dependant on myself I fear depending on someone else I fear hurting people I fear letting people down. Mainly I fear judgement and resentment, I just want to find a love so pure and true that I�¢??ll never stumble upon someone�¢??s �¢??real�¢?? feelings, that I will provide someone a piece of what they need even if it is just a piece, that I will influence someone�¢??s life in a profound way. That I won�¢??t just be the piece of shit people walk all over, the stupid girl everyone laughs at.
I�¢??m always left to fend for myself and I am never good enough. At times I think I am helping someone and the truth is I�¢??m not, everyone�¢??s laughing behind my back, I become the butt of each joke and the whole time I am smiling because I don�¢??t have a ******* clue and then it hits me., smack in the face - People will always tell you when other people are talking about you all and sometimes you believe it, sometimes you confront it but most of the time we tend to fall into a state of denial with ourselves, refusing to believe it and eventually- we forget. And it�¢??s always like that. The things to painful to remember, we simply choose to forget.
It�¢??s like someone has ripped my heart out and stomped on it right in front of me. A thousand people surround me while they slaughter me with their reverberating laughter. Sometimes I�¢??d give anything to be more than nothing. For once, to have someone kiss the brutality I have left on my body as if to say �¢??I know where you have been�¢?? to let me know they don�¢??t think I�¢??m just a stupid teenage attention seeker and that I don�¢??t use death to my advantage.
By the way, I never wanted this; this is not the life I would have chosen. But one thing I will take as a superior and dignifying trait of my own, one thing that will help me hold my head up through this time of truth, it is that I am honest, unlike the ones I believed in, the people I thought were supporting me were infact the ones who were slandering my name. I�¢??ve always been alone I�¢??ve always walked by myself and people have never understood why I never let anyone else in�¢?�¦Because I am better off, Alone.
But as for you �¢?? Just cut me up, like paper. And mould me to your form of beautiful.