Inner lake

And again thanx for the honest respond.. I really like it that people think about my poem so deep..
and Niquee, I must say, I really like your ending, it touched me..
but there's a reason I ended my poem how I did, not really with an end.. because I had the hope it wasn't the end (but maybe someone sees me and in time pulls me out)
so thank you so much for thinking about it.. but I won't use it yet.. maybe when my feelings change, I will use it.. I hope you don't mind ..
And keep on writing..

They're hands won't reach me
I'm too far from the edge
They took my wings, they pushed me off my perch
They pushed me off the mountain ledge

I once was seen from the mountain top
So high above earth and its beauty
I now see the inside of the whirl pool centre
And lose my innocence in its serenity

I see the centre, it draws near
It's pulling me down to it's centre, it's core
I never knew the beginning of life
But I will now know the ending ever more

It didnt sound really finished. How bout that to finish it for you? You can use it. I hope you do. Its a really great poem, it sounds so sad and forlong.

Thanks for commenting on "She's still Waiting".

5/5

Love Niquee
xoxoxoxoxo

I think the poem was great mostly as it is. I can relate to it too, no jks!

Thanks for your honest responds I really appreciate it ... I'm not very good in english grammar as you can see, (maybe because I'm not from England or the USA ;) ) so I like every help I can get.. thanks a lot!

Wow, you are really good!

I do have a few suggestions, though.

I like the idea of this poem, and really, it's well written, it's just a TINY bit strained. You don't have to change it this way, I just thought these things in my head.

I am swimming in this lake
It is pulling me further down
And I am on a point now
That I'll nearly drown {it might be effective to use "will" instead of "i'll" here}

Once I {maybe switch the words to I Once} stood on a mountain
Like an angel, standing so {with} pride
I was scared of nobody {no one}
For nobody I'd hide {would I hide}

But they pushed me of{f} the rock
No matter how hard I did try
They took off{take this word out, maybe?} my wings from me
So I could never fly

I can't see anybody
I try, but cannot scream and shout
but maybe someone{will see} sees me
and on{in} time pulls me out

I hope you don't take any of this offensively, it was just a few suggestions.

Keep writing, you're wonderful!

Car