My heart

by rocker666chick   Nov 8, 2006


I was under too much stress,
I couldn't pass this test.
All I see is red,
coming from the wrists,
which I bled.
As tears fill my eyes
for the very last time.
This life was supposed
to be mine!
You controlling me made
me blind.
I only wish to have a life that's mine.
Only a little more time
I'm counting in my mind
I made one mistake
that I can't retake.
My last seconds are up at stake.
The only thing I have left is the stopping beat of my heart.
It's too late for me to restart.
Cause I no longer hear
the beating of what's
left of my heart.

    report violation
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Latest Comments

  • 16 years ago

    by Melly

    Aw, sad. but good.

  • 17 years ago

    by Brittney Follett

    I apologize if I offended you in any way. When you say 'this poem was based on my life' and then at the end 'you basically said that my life wasn't perfect and I need to be fixed' .. Isn't that what you said in your poem? Again I apologize. Instead of saying 'Forced rhymes, bad flow' I showed you what I meant. I was bored and willing to help. I didn't say 'Put mine in yours sucks.' I said 'Not sure If you will like this but this is what I reccomend' When I said reccomend I meant the style and flow. Not the poem. I was bored so I put in some of my feelings, that was the part i said 'You may like some parts, go ahead and change it if you want' and the part 'Put the whole thing In I don't care' I also meant that poem was yours. I didn't write it. I helped the flow and rhyme. Again I apologize.

  • 17 years ago

    by Brittany C

    Very good poem and sad. It has a good rhythm and easy to understand. Keep up the good work. 5/5

  • 17 years ago

    by SCARECROW

    "This life was supposed
    to be mine!"
    Ah, the joy of the exclamation mark. It was very effectively used. Lovely poem, it was well expressed and I like your desciption of emotion. Well done.

  • 17 years ago

    by Brittney Follett

    It is very good. I love your emotions, you will become a pretty good writer. All you have now is some raw skills, just keep writing and you will become better.

    I was under way
    too much stress.
    I couldn't pass
    this simple test.

    All I see is red.
    coming from my wrist
    Tears fill my eyes,
    As clench my fist.

    Now is the end,
    Now it is time.
    Though I thought
    This life was mine.

    With your controls
    Making me blind.
    You're messing up
    My fragile mind.

    No going back.
    I've made a mistake.
    I wish this all was
    just simply fake.

    Only thing left
    To do on my list
    Is drain all this blood
    out of my wrist

    My time is up.
    Its too late to Restart
    I no longer hear
    The beat of my heart.

    Not sure If you will like this but this is what I reccomend. You had some forced rhymes in there you just needed to smooth them out, I smoothed them out for you. You may like some parts, go ahead and change it if you want. Put the whole thing In I don't care. Your poems really good. The thing above is yours, all I did was 'smoothed it out'.

    Awesome Job!

    5/5

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