{Author's Note::: I wrote this as an entry on my MySpace}
So I thought I had somehow {by the grace of God} magically, miraculously, wonderfully fallen out of love with her. My crush of...what is it now? Three months? {Seems like MUCH longer} Yes, her-and I had finally stopped writing poetry about her and I had finally stopped thinking about her {but not quite stopped dreaming about her} and had finally stopped obsessing over her and then
BAM.
Katey and Sarah tell me in the bathroom that she came today. AND SAT RIGHT WHERE I NORMALLY DO. Can you believe this?!?! She sat in my spot!! Mine! I am first chair and in Choraliers too so I am never IN band {MOST unfortunately} and...GRR! She didn't get to see me play or anything and then so after the girls tell me she came I am raying to God that she is still there and by the pure grace of God I have a ppr to finish and I wanted to use A-Cat's office in the first place so I go there and
BAM.
There she is and she is so pretty she is so pretty in white {"so pretty in white...pretty when you're faithful..." - Bush} she is so pretty in white I don't think she ever wore white before I love the scarf I love it and oh, wow. oh wow she is looking she is looking at me right at me she is she is almost as is if.....And I have the guts from somewhere deep, deep inside, deep in the recesses of my melancholy, scarred heart to say...
"Hi."
And she says hi back she does she says it back it is soft and perhaps unassuming? or no, it is all TOO assuming almost as if she knows but how could she know? no wait maybe the question is how could she not know?...and I sit there and type I typre the remainders of my paper {which I end up having to re do over the break anyway, ch} and hardly say a word I hardly speak a peep as A-Cat talks with her I notice some very important things as I sit there in the big, comfy swivel chair...
Her voice sound different talking with A-Cat now. Almost as if she reserves an "adult" voice for the adult crowd and a young, "teacher" voice for the kids in band--namely, percussion. She sounded older and wiser or something...and for the first time, that "something seeming older" bit about her wasn't a bad or negative thing for me. Usually, it is. Usually she looks older and worse, but perhaps that was the cold hitting her frigid face. I think that's what it was. And now, in the warm, bathing flourescent lights of the memory-laden band room, she looks young and able and beautiful and quiet...oh, so quiet {too quiet for me}...and I can say nothing I can do nothing I am HELPLESS in her beautiful presence and I start to notice that my hand is shaking over the mouse it is shaking so tenderly and I cannot help it I cannot help it and it is then that I realize: I am not over her, what was I thinking? I am SO not over her how does she do this to me? how does she do this crazy-awesome horrifying thing to my poor heart???
And then, a brief moment of wretched "static pallor," to quote a GREAT band, I am getting up to go and some trumpet kid asks about challenges Monday and I ask about it all serious-attitude-like and A-Cat doesn't respond and I feel stupid because A.) I leave right then and there without and answer, without looking at her, and B.) No, that was just an individual challenge. Why didn't A-Cat reply? Anyway, I do go back in {thank YOU, Katey!} to give A-Cat the remainder of the cookies I made in honor of break in Cultured Foods. Tee hee. He is there by the tv by her by her and then he's inquiring as to why I have this plate of cookies in hand and Katey is saying something maybe I do not remember now but she, she is there by the tv she is there by the tv in white in white so pretty in white and he comes up to me as I trip over my words I say "I ha-ave these cookies, I made them in Cultured Foods..." my voice is getting quieter because of others being too loud and talking over me maybe it's Katey I do not remember And she, she is looking, looking toward me and I try, I try to look at her too but of course I must look at A. to inform him about the cookies and he thanks me thanks me and yay! it's fin and cool and then I must away...
away from my love.
*Sigh* I tell Vinnie later on, apres le course de francais, about it. How I thought I didn't really like her anymore and I hadn't seen her since football ended....how maybe it's better not to see the person because then it won't hurt so much and you won't have this "resurgence" of feeling and emotion...although I didn't quite word it so fashionably {;-)} to Vin, but he agreed. "Maybe it's better not to see them."
