Why I stopped believing in Santa

Every Childs story is different right?
Well let me tell you mine
I stopped believing in Santa Clause
At the age of thirty-nine

Some say that it’s very odd
That I believed for so many years
But I never caught my parents
Eating Santa’s cookies or the reindeers

No one told me there wasn’t a North Pole
Or that there weren’t elves with pointy shoes
I guess I never realized
Why every Santa looked different on the news

But one year I wrote St. Nick a letter
I said “This is how I know if you’re real
Lets you and I not tell Mrs. Clause
And go out for a movie and a meal

Santa never bought me dinner
But being a believer of a second chance
I told Santa I’d accept his apology
If he and I could have a dance

That year he let me down again
But I always believed in “Third times a charm”
I made a request I thought he could grant
It wouldn’t do he or I any harm

I was oh so sick of these menstrual cramps
So sick of the pain of birthing a child
So as I wrote out my Christmas list last year
I giggled and couldn’t help but smile

“Santa I love my womanly features
The long hair and all the curves
But Santa Aunt Flo is getting to be too much
She is starting to get on my nerves”

That year I asked Santa for a penis
So I wouldn’t have to worry about cramps
No more pain relievers
No more midnight runs for tamps

I woke up on Christmas Day
Checked out myself when I got in the shower
Looks like Santa was never real
But I wonder if Cupid has that power?