The Adrenaline Rush/Possible Poisoning

I just experience something that hasn't left me the same,
I just planned my life, and yet I feel happier, but still the same,
its one of those things that happen when you grow
older, but one of those things that make you feel young,
am I swallowing my own dream, or has the process for you
as well begun.

So many mistakes have been made with me, I feel that I am
one in myself, depression, anxiety, foolish mistakes that
have left me crying under the gun, can you believe that,
if I would have been a little smarter, then maybe my plans
would have worked quicker, but maybe this is telling me
that there is something to wait for under all that pain,
the realization of it my reward, the start of a new point
of my life, another one to help me, to guide me past the
point of my parents, one they live happily, one I want too.

I don't know if its the rush you get from watching another
life unfold for the better, if its the regular teenage highs you
get from thinking the right things, of futures that aren't even
close to being real in days, but whatever it is I wish it was with
me more, I feel less by myself, and more out there, trying to
be the person I want to be, to move away from the place I call home.

Stuck on rewind my mind was for a while, but then I learned
to stay away from grieving, move to anything that could
help me be what I was meant to, take me or leave me is a
partial message some want to give, but do we all mean that?
We can crack, bleed, and cry, so why no try, having the people
we know know it too.

I know what my motivation is, what my profession should
consist of, and it will change, but each time it does it will only
help me know the depth of what my strengths are, what
has been stored in me, I've been running, but its stayed in place,
on the same line, sweat has evaporated but rained down
the things that my ears have always wanted to hear.