Dear Papa

A letter to my grandfather...

Papa...
i am sorry
i am sorry i have hated you for so long
i am sorry i didn't talk to you or see you
i want you to know that through it all i loved you
i just didn't like you
it wasn't fair
you weren't fair
why did you have to cause so much trouble?
why didn't you give me the chance to say how i felt?
i know you cared
i know you cared
i had so much to say
i needed to tell you
i needed to tell you how the past three years of my life...
i have watched my mom's suffering murder her
i have watched my parent's fights damage walls
i have watched my sister's tears stain her pure soul
i have watched my dad's screams vibrate the air
i have watched cars screech from my driveway
i have watched voices of tormented souls escape the lungs of people i love
AND I BLAMED YOU
i have head silent sobs echo in the night
i have heard teeth chatter due to the chilled mood in the air
i have heard my pen scratch across pages with my blood for ink
i have heard tears collect on pillows in deep puddles of depression
i have heard hearts shriek as they are broken
AND I BLAMED YOU
i have felt waves of agony crash upon my feet leaving undesired sand between my toes
i have felt knots twist and pull my muscles until they tear
i have felt condensation build in my lungs after longs cries
i have felt the floor on my face as i fell down from exhaustion
i have felt my mother's voice grow hoarse after hours of frustration
i have felt the weight of my sister's prayers leave her mind
AND I BLAMED YOU
and i needed to tell you
i needed to explain to you why i avoided you
because to me
everything that hurt was associated with you
but now i can't
now i can't
all i can do it write page after page of pure misery
and all that i have felt for years can't be expressed but through smudged ink
BECAUSE YOU AREN'T HERE
do you know how you left me?
i constantly am tripping over the laces you left untied
and i can't remember how the fox chased the rabbit
they can never tie
they will never tie
BECAUSE YOU AREN'T HERE
PAPA!
why now?
you dug indentions into my mind
filled with sick memories of pain and blurs
AND I BLAME YOU!
i am sorry i spent so much time yelling pointless words at you portrait
i am sorry my tears stained countless birthday cards
i am sorry i hated every ounce of you being for three years
BUT i refuse to be sorry
i refuse to be sorry for my feelings