Faint Ruminations

"Gasping for breath, she chokes upon air,
Dragged into the ocean, love pulling at her hair."

^^ I LOVE this, the imagery in these opening lines is amazing, it's like I can -see- everything that you are talking about and it instantly creates such striking images for me as the reader.

"(So I guess we're done, right?
"Yeah, we're done.")"

I love the use of parathensis (sp?) here, it adds for a strong effect and makes it seem all that much more real.

"Take her by the shoulders and shake her,
As the crystals cleanse her from the sky.
Torn butterfly wings showering her,
Grief emblazoning in her eyes."

^^This is my favourite stanza so far, I find this stanza to be so sad, yet so incredibly moving and bittersweet, along with the imagery and the emotion, and this is one strong verse that holds almost as much power as the rest of the piece put together.

"(Crashing into his arms, unwilling to admit defeat.
Kissing him till he's lost, heart dropping at his feet.)"

^^ My other favourite part of the piece, this to me shows courage, determination to keep fighting, yet at the same time it's filled with sorrow, and these two conflicting emotions make for a wonderful effect on the overall piece.

"Watch as the rest of the planet walks by,
She stares out her snow-hazed window.
Writing these words with a dried-out pen,
Etched within a memoir already drenched in sorrow;
She wishes."

^^ What a beautiful ending!
I found this last stanza to make the entire poem, so strong, so full of depth, so many emotions that it's almost overwhelming at times, and certainly an ending that will stay with the reader for quite some time.

Just beautiful.

Very strong metaphors used and also very strong lanuage skills which makes it a pretty gopod piece of work.

the personification of love was a very clever thing to do :] also the personification of kisses, it gives it an animated feel about it. which is kinda groovy

the words in teh brackets, make it real life it gives it a touch of your own unique style and is written as if you would say it so you can hear the words in your head :] good job

unconditional love that is over is a very hard thing to contemplate but you used pretty words to describe something which isn't pretty at all.

(Crashing into his arms, unwilling to admit defeat.
Kissing him till he's lost, heart dropping at his feet.)
- i like this part most, i honestly do not no why, its like a feeling that he is now upset becuase she ddoesn't want to let do :[ and it reminds me of someone and something from my past so i'm connected to it :[

thats all i can really think of to say. apart from good jopb :]

sorry for the spelling i'm in a rush

"Gasping for breath, she chokes upon air,
Dragged into the ocean, love pulling at her hair.
Into the world of seldom emotion, she falls,
Passionate kisses sucking away her soul;
She remains walking."

Ok, the first two lines i just dont think made enough sense, i get it, but it just doesnt seem to fit right.
The last three lines were good, but i think the fifth line "she remains walking" could have been eliminated.

"Take her by the shoulders and shake her,
As the crystals cleanse her from the sky.
Torn butterfly wings showering her,
Grief emblazoning in her eyes."

The first two lines were amazing, just using the words "shake" and "crystals" gave the lines power. The last two lines were also great, the vocab was superb.

"(Crashing into his arms, unwilling to admit defeat.
Kissing him till he's lost, heart dropping at his feet.)"-

This pretty much has to be the best part of the whole poem, though it was pretty simple it was very emotional.

"Watch as the rest of the planet walks by,
She stares out her snow-hazed window.
Writing these words with a dried-out pen,
Etched within a memoir already drenched in sorrow;
She wishes."

This was a very good ending, but i dont think the "she wishes" was really needed at the end. But again it was set up very well

overall it was a greatly written peace, great flow. Loved it

again a well deserved 5/5

Wow. I found this one to be much bewtter than your other one. I really enjoyed reading this.. a sad piece.

Gasping for breath, she chokes upon air,
Dragged into the ocean, love pulling at her hair.
^ I really like these lines but the -hair- part seems the weakest.. i was thinking about possibly.. cause you know she's being dragged into the ocean how about:
Gasping for breath, she chokes upon air,
Dragged into the ocean, love pulling her there.
idk its just a suggestion.

Into the world of seldom emotion, she falls,
^ I loved the first part of this, it was so powerful. I think you should trade 'falls' for a strong word though

Passionate kisses sucking away her soul;
She remains walking.
^Through it all she's still able to move. Power

The (....) in the poem add a lot of emotion and makes the reader understand a lot more thats going on in the poem, great choice.

Take her by the shoulders and shake her,
As the crystals cleanse her from the sky.
Torn butterfly wings showering her,
Grief emblazoning in her eyes.
^ I LOVED this Stanza. Absolutely WONDERFUL. GREAT JOB there's not a single flaw.

(Crashing into his arms, unwilling to admit defeat.
Kissing him till he's lost, heart dropping at his feet.)
^This, I think, held the most emotion out of all the other lines in your poem. Great. Job.

Watch as the rest of the planet walks by,
She stares out her snow-hazed window.
Writing these words with a dried-out pen,
Etched within a memoir already drenched in sorrow;
She wishes.
^ PERFECT ending. You pulled your title all the way to the end. Great job.

My favorite lines:
As the crystals cleanse her from the sky.
Torn butterfly wings showering her,
Grief emblazoning in her eyes.

Excellent Job

5/5

Title-
Your good with titles.
They drag me in, I was looking through a lot of your titles and they all have something that makes you want to read the poem. They're not "My pain" or "Bloody promises" etc etc.
They're original, Not used twenty times over.

Stanza one-
"Gasping for breath, she chokes upon air,
Dragged into the ocean, love pulling at her hair."
I think the rhyme was a bit forced, It felt it when reading. Your so amazing at making poems flow without rhyme that you don't need this here. Especially as the majority of the poem doesn't rhyme.
"Passionate kisses sucking away her soul;
She remains walking."
Sucking away her soul?
I love it, Woah. But if she's kissing how is she walking?
Sorry, I may have missed something.
Maybe my brain is malfunctioning from all the poems, too. :p

"(So I guess we're done, right?
"Yeah, we're done.")"

^^This adds something.
Makes the poem more personal, Easy to read. Adds emotion, etc etc.
I liked it.

Stanza two-
"Grief emblazoning in her eyes."
Word use - Thumbs up. Made it your one.
I love how this four lines, while stanzas 1+3 have an extra something. It adds to the structure.
The images were lovely. And really easy to create, because of how you write.
Its a talent some have, some don't. You're lucky. :]

"(Crashing into his arms, unwilling to admit defeat.
Kissing him till he's lost, heart dropping at his feet.)"

^^This should be the only rhyme in the poem, It adds to the flow. It makes it stand out, You read it like you would read a nursery rhyme. Well, I do. Haha.
Its also longer than the rest, and makes you focus on it more.
Good stuff.

Stanza 3-
"Watch as the rest of the planet walks by,
She stares out her snow-hazed window.
Writing these words with a dried-out pen,
Etched within a memoir already drenched in sorrow;
She wishes."

I love everything about this stanza.
How you use "planet" instead of "world".
"Dried out" instead of just "pen", To show she's been writing for so long.
Also to create a powerful image.
"She wishes" - Great ending. Simple. So simple.
Yet perfect.

Great work, Mindy.
As always.
<3