My Tears

The day was so beautiful, but I can only see the gray, that is hiding, in the background of all the happiness. You hold me in your arms tight, and i start praying that you will never let go.

Today may be beautiful but the pain inside me blocks out everything around me...even you. While I lay in your arm the sickness inside my head is slowly taking over me. The blackness and sorrow are taking over my mind, body and soul. It is slowly killing me and making me unable to live a normal life. The sickness that people call depression has beaten me and the person that I used to be.

You can see the marks it has left all over my arms and stomach. The marks that are a symbol of the touchier it has caused me. It inhabits your mind, gradually shutting it down. It is the monster that loves the nights when my eyes are swollen shut with tears. It loves the nights when I cut so deep I cry out in pain and relief. It loves the nights when I feel so lonely that I hold myself wishing, praying to god to let me die.

The sickness that I some how call my friend, my only friend. I call it my friend for it is the only thing that stays with me in the end. The only thing I can count on to always be there through the good and bad. The thing that comforts me by giving me the razor and the alcohol to calm my memory filled head. It helps me so much during the time of my brake up and cancer filled life. It even helps push me to end my life.

From all these thoughts that run through my head I realizes that I have created a wet spot on your shirt. I am crying...a river is flowing out of each of my eyes. I can stop it...the river wont stop covering my face.

"What am I doing to you, I cant allow myself to hurt you anymore.â?? I said to you in a sobbing cry "I cant let the sickness take over you too, i would rather have you be with someone else then suffer with me."

She tried to grasp me tighter in her arms but I pull away. "Cant you see no one could ever love a person like me."

I put my head down in my hands and press my fingertips deep into my skull. I let the tears stream from my eyes..."how could this happen to meâ?? I say out loud.

Suddenly i feel a set of hand touch my face and gently stroke my cheek. I hear her voice softly say "I will love you until the end of my days.... I will never leave you I promise"

Her hands lightly lift my face up toward hers. She kisses my lips and then travels to my tears and kisses them away too.

i will never forget that day nor her for she will always remain in my heart.