The man rules

Apologies if you have read these before but here goes anyway;

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear 'the rules' from the female side; now
here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note". these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you
need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports it's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong
hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments
become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad
or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you
already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a
fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong. We
know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to
hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics
as baseball or motor sports.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you
know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

This is why I've given up on men.
Women aren't difficult, you just make it so.

It is not as difficult being a single male either

Hahahaha, I really admire you taking the time to write this Darren! I like the honesty :)

Always loved these, especially rule number 1.

I love the camping part at the very end, sums up a mans mentality, Meme this was sent to me by a friend.

I am sure it has done the rounds around the net a few times.

Just something I thought would be funny to share.
Original author unknown I am afraid, probably something that grew as it was circulated.

Haha I seen something similar before but they still bring a smile to my face, make for great reading!

LMAO! Omg I love these!!!

Larry hahahahah nice one.

Seriously, this is why I'm going to make the best wife ever someday because I agree with ALL of these and I'm a woman. Women bitch about too much when it comes to their man.. Leave him alone for cripe sake......We are wired different. Women play mind games with their men and I can't stand it.....

If it itches we will scratch it hahahahah YES! that was my fave, I hate when girls witness a man doing that and theyre like ewww....oh come on...sometimes our thong needs picked, or a bra readjusted, so shut up.

hahahaha hope that wasnt too inappropriate, just stating facts here gents.

Well, this is the first time I came across it so thanks for sharing :)

I'm sorry, but this sort of thing only reinforces stereotypes.... I wish there were no lists like this.

This isn't stereotypical its reality.

Men and women are wired so differently , I love this! It shows the truth.

Its meant to be funny anyways :)

Haha we could venture
in our own realms of gender,
but we shouldn't get trapped in there.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

^^ haha only when they are in the middle of nowhere.. and trying to figure out their way back.

Darren thank you for posting this haha! I just cracked up on every one especially with this

"1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is."

I really can see this side of it lol

Very nice Darren. I have read them before. Here are a few more to complement (from other versions that I have read or modified/original) :

25. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

26. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

27. BEER is as exciting for us as is a fruity drink to you.

28. We express our love through our stomach too, so get over it, we love good food and don't mind our round belly, like we love your navel when you show it off. It is as SEXY (or as dirty).

--------------------------
If these are disclosed/detected/practiced :

1) Before dating....you may never find a date
2) When dating, before marriage/////YOU MAY HAVE A HARD TIME GETTING SOMEONE TO MARRY YOU!
3) After marriage... you risk a quick exit
4) After a 1st child...You may have to pay alimony as well.
5) After 10 + years, ....forget it, you are no longer the CENTER of attention. Go do your thing, I have better things to do, raise children, etc.
6) After menopause/retirement, or when children are gone from home....you need to be very very nice, if you still want companionship, or you may go hungry and/or filthy many a days.

If these are the real "rules" for most guys, I guess I'm glad I ended up with the guy I did.

Pricks.

HAHA! Darren got you all nice ladies scared. No these are just made up "guy jokes"! Real guys are way different (lovable like yourself), and YES most women will know the real "man" they love or have a long term relationship with, if they went that far. :)

This was probably a "counter" made by some guys with a lot of free time, in response to the "women rules" by some perfection-seeking women :) quoted here:-

A Woman's 50 Rules for Men
1.Call.
2.Don't lie.
3.Never tape any of her body parts together.
4.If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5.If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
6.The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
7.Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8.Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
9.Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10.Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11."Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lardass", and "Bitch" are bad.
12.Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13.A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
14.None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15.Her cooking is excellent.
16.That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17.Dishsoap is your friend.
18.Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19.Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20.Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
21.Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
22.Two words: clean socks.
23.Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
24.Burping is not sexy.
25.You're wrong.
26.You're sorry.
27.She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28.Ditto for your discourse on football.
29.Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30."Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
31.Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32.Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
33.No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34."But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
35.Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
36.Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37.Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
38.If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39.Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
40.Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41.Always, always suck up to her brother.
42.Think boxers.
43.Silk boxers.
44.Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
45.Don't try to change the way she dresses.
46.Her haircut is never bad.
47.Don't let your friends pick on her.
48.Call.
49.Don't lie.
50.The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.

(Source - http://ifaq.wap.org/sex/50rulesformen.html )

First, Darren (and everyone else) this isn't a personal attack by any means. Just an observation about the way this thread turned.

"This isn't stereotypical its reality."
^
No...it's definitely stereotypical. If it were reality then there would be no men who fall outside of this category which if I'm not mistaken is a statistical impossibility and a damn right ridiculous conjecture.

I know it's meant to be fun, and it is pretty funny, but you must know that these are the types of things that cause gender stereotypes as well as stereotypes regarding heteronormativity.

"ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is."

Does that mean men can't be painters?

I noticed that there's nothing about poetry being for women and sissies. Coincidence?

"Haha we could venture
in our own realms of gender,
but we shouldn't get trapped in there."
^
Smart.

"Never tape any of her body parts together."
^
LOL WTF

Perhaps there is a common ground:

1. People are NOT mind readers.
2. Crying is blackmail. Shouting is abuse.
3. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints, strong hints, obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
4. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
5. Anything either of us said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
6. If something I said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, I meant the other one.
7. You can either ask me to do something or tell me how you want it done. Not both.
8. If I ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' I will stop asking.
9. Don't ask me what I'm thinking about unless you want to discuss the answer.
10. Call.
11. Don't lie.
12. Ordering for the other may be good, talk about it. Telling the other what he/she wants is bad.
13. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
14. Endearments do not include negatives.
15. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
16. No one is more attractive when they're drunk.
17. No means No. Yes means Yes.
18. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
19. Pick the other up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
20. If you want to break up with the other, break up with them. Don't act like a complete jerk until they do it for you.
21. Don't tell someone you love them if you don't.
22. Don't let your friends pick on your mate; even when he/she is not there.
23. Tell the other how you really feel. Often.
24. Buying the other anything does not give you rights.
25. Don't discount any bad mood as not authentic. Talk about it.

Problem is that without the humor, the impact is gone.

LOL I've enjoyed this, really have, thank you

LMAO this made my day and yes women do bitch alot but sometimes it's for the right reasons XP and men would it KILL you to be a LITTLE bit considerate? i mean it's not that women ask you to be there when they are in trouble emotional ALWAYS just once in a while would be nice! :) thanks for this it was fun!

Am on mens side :P

Women's sorry lol i'm a girl but eh i still go for the girls lol

Some of you are TRIPPIN....

This is reality for most men I know.....

I think its awesome and I could not date a guy who didn't follow those rules.

Actually I did and he was more sensitive and cried more than me...give me a break. Play your gender not mine. Hence why he got dumped haha!

These are great, I put them on facebook!

Thanks everyone for your views

This was just for fun..

For those that brought up 'stereotypes'
The will always be stereotypes in everything, TV, literature and Films usually enforce these.

as for 'pricks' !!

let me just say this

All men sport one
Most men think with one
Some men act like one

Hopefully I only fall into one of these.

Ha, I wasn't trying to bring down the fun of the thread. Sorry : ) But jokes do spring out of common perception, and I just basically wanted to say "there's more than one way to act manly."

I'm really sorry. I usually don't freak out but I just can't handle some of the comments being made in here.

tl;dr - nature only plays so much of a part in gender and gender roles. A lot of it is human invention.

Again, these jokes are fine. I giggled at a few. The problem is when people believe them. Essentially they're no different from racial jokes. Sometimes they can be funny and that's fine, but if you can't discern between them and reality you've got a problem.

"This is reality for most men I know....."

It's only reality because they're afraid they won't get a girlfriend if they don't act a certain way. Just as you're afraid that if you act or look a certain way you won't get a boyfriend.

"Play your gender not mine."

It's fine if that's not what you like. I get that. Just understand that the whole "gender role" thing is actually made up, and FFS don't make people feel like shit just because you have particular preferences.

Do you really believe that every person in the world should adhere to made up rules? Hell look around the world. Gender roles even vary from region to region. It's not natural. It's made up. Just like Hollywood is made up. Just like the oval office that you walk through when you visit the White House is made up.

How about we look at old school male views of what gender is? Maybe women should also continue to go underpaid in all areas of the work force. Perhaps we shouldn't have let you out of your kitchens as you are superior homemakers?

I spent my whole life having people throw the word fag at me or call me weird because I didn't act like a typical male. I feel like I can never approach a woman because she won't think I'm manly enough. Rejection and failure are also two of my biggest fears. That worked out well, hm? It's no wonder I'm depressed or anxious all of the time and that I have low self esteem.

What is the point in being alive if you can't be yourself without people putting you down?

Oh well, at least my 'warped' mind lets me write.

Christ, I hate social constructs.

Play my gender? Huh? I'd much rather play WITH my gender.

That's why I regularly forward these sorts of lists to my husband so that he is better educated in understanding my needs.

Abby <3

Wait, am I not supposed to use hearts on the internet?

I mean -belch- bwaaaa Abby you're cool. Or something. Is that alright?

Wait, am I not supposed to use hearts on the internet?

^ why aren't you supposed to not use?

That was a joke about them being too girly.

Ah, the joke is on me

for not getting it at first

WAIT! We are not done yet. Here are some substantially different versions for some more for LAUGHS!

BITCHES VS. PRICKS (which do you like? I like them both)

WOMEN'S 50 RULES FOR DEALING WITH MEN
1)Do not say what you mean. Ever.
2)Be ambigious. Always.
3)Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.
4)Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or weeks ago. Get mad when they don't remember.
5)Make them apologize for everything.
6)Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.
7)Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.
8) Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud.
9)Look at them. Smile.
10) Look them in the eye and start laughing.
11) Cry.
12) Get mad at them for everything.
13)Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.
14) Hold grudges.
15) Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.
16) When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.
17) Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess."
18) Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
19) Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.
20) Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.
21) Cry.
22) Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.
23) Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library...for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
24) Fall for your FAC.
25) Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
26) Correct their grammar.
27) Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.
28) Leave out the good parts in stories.
29) Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.
30) Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.
31) Cry.
32) Declare that you are not wacko.
33) Criticize the way they dress.
34) Criticize the music they listen to.
35) Criticize their hair.
36) Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.
37) Try to change them.
38) Try to mold them.
39) Try to get them to dance.
40) Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted.
41) Cry.
42) When they screw up, never let them forget it.
43) Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because.
44) Blame everything on PMS.
45) Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.
46) Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"
47) Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch.
48) Read into everything.
49) Over-analyze everything.
50) Make it your goal to make them cry.

WOMEN'S RULES FOR MEN
1)The female always makes The Rules.
2)The Rules are subject to change without prior notification.
3)No male can possibly know all The Rules.
4)If the female suspects the male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
5)The female is never wrong.
6)If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
7)If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8)The female may change her mind at any time.
9)The male must never change his mind without the expressed written consent of the female.
10)The female has every right to be angry and upset at any time.
11)The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12)The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13)The male is expected to mind read at all times.
14)The male who does not abide by The Rules cannot take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
15)Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
16)If the female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void.
17)The female is ready when she is ready.
18)The male must be ready at all times.

MEN"S RULES FOR DEALING WITH WOMEN
1)Don't call. Ever.
2)Lie.
3)If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
4)Be as ambiguous as possible.
5)If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.
6)No matter what, it isn't your fault.
7)Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help.
8)Women like it when you ignore them.
9)If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
10)Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
11)Deny everthing. Everything.
12)Use the best break up line, "It's not you, it's me".
13)Don't have a clue. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
14)Feelings? What feelings?
15)"Love" is not in your vocabulary. Don't even think about saying it.
16)ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
17)It's OK if you forget trivial things, like your girlfriend's birthday and eye color.
18)Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
19)It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
20)Don't ever notice anything.
21)If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
22)If the question begins with "why", the answer is "I don't know".
23)If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others.
24)If anyone asks you for a favour -
(a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it;
(b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every day for the rest of their life.
25) Lie.

( Source:http://users.tellurian.com/dano/humor-menandwomen.html )

I know this was meant to be funny and...most of it is...best comment so far is Abby's..

Jordan..I'm omming and ahhing about stereotypes (not forgetting the original member who first brought this up...Narph?)...but in the end I found both your comments serious enough to take note..there will always be someone willing to break out of this 'label'and stand up for what they feel comfortable with..it just may take them a while to say...f**k it..this is me...as you probably know...I have already done so and yet....I'm probably in the next...stereotype...it's life man...we are labelled regardless so just be you...OK?

tl;dr - nature only plays so much of a part in gender and gender roles. A lot of it is human invention.

I'm highighting this because I'm very interested in you thoughts (or others) in relation to your statement regarding something I read today...

http://www.news.com.au/world-news/transgender-child-coy-mathis-banned-from-using-the-girls-bathroom-at-colorado-school/story-fndir2ev-1226587491318

Human intervention is what you said and now...yes it has me thinking...the first read I had on this said the child started presenting themselves as a female at 16 months...I wonder if this is possible? Now she's older and still presenting as a female..Her choice or her parents choice...I'm honesly t not sure on this....

Oh Shush Jordan and Hellon!

Everything on that list is true, and super true for you two louts!

It's fine if that's not what you like. I get that. Just understand that the whole "gender role" thing is actually made up, and FFS don't make people feel like shit just because you have particular preferences.

^ when I broke up with my last boyfriend I said over and over "some girls may like that, but this is not attractive to me. " , to make sure he understood that its just MY preference not like something was wrong with him. I didn't make him feel like shit and if I did, well that's another reason why I'm glad its over. If you can't handle truth, communication, or respect that I have a particular preference without getting upset about it (crying hysterically, which he did often), ew...that's just not my ideal man. Perhaps another girl is willing to deal with that extreme sensitivity though.

I.don't mind the women in the kitchen jokes honestly. I'm not wanting to go into this topic, but I will state briefly that I believe in a biblical version of marriage/relationships.... the woman should tend to her husband. So yes, I'll proudly laugh at "go make me a sandwhich" jokes and respond with "which kind?"

I don't think these rules are as big of a deal as you're making them.....and you shouldn't let my comments make you mad, its just my opinion. If you're not a follower of these rules, good for you :) live your life how you want, I'm just stating here where I live, this is about how it works for them all. And I don't mind that.

That's a better explanation then.

Sorry I'm just a huge advocate for a socially neutral and equal species. It pisses me off to know that there are young people who still view human rights and equality this way.

And it is a big deal. I wasn't joking about the kitchen thing. That's a serious commentary. If it weren't for certain people you'd be no better than a f--kin piece of dirt. Because that's all women used to be. You wouldn't be proud if your man beat you every day nor would you be proud if you wanted a job but couldn't get one.

Anyway, pot's been stirred. I'm finished.

Of course I wouldn't be proud to get beat....however, I think women need to shut the f up and stay in the kitchen. Not saying that men can't cook, my dads a hell of a grill master, but men bust their ass and bring home the money, the least you can do is make him some dinner when he comes home and not complain about it.....and yes women bust their ass as well, but we now have the choice to do that, I don't think that should be an excuse to not tend to our wifely duties....but again that's where my beliefs come in.

When I grew up, my mom did the inside work and my dad did the outside. I loved that. She cooked, did laundry and kept his house clean (and had an office job), and my dad worked his butt off in a factory , cut the grass, cleaned the pool, took the trash out....it worked well. And I like that. The house was cleaned and meal was ready for her man. And her house looked great and brought home great money.

It actually saddens me how many people complain about their relationships but don't do anything to keep it running smoothly.

Disclaimer: the following is composed while on Dilaudid.
I take limited responsibility for it's coherency.

The problem with 90% of these posts are their intolerance for other people's choices. Whether a woman wishes to enter a relationship described by Chelsey or would be appalled by it is only her own damn business. If a man enters a relationship like that and enjoys it, it's nobody's business but theirs.

The problems are with a discord between a pair. If they like sado-masochist bondage let them enjoy their prickly whippings. If they are dyed in the wool Fundamentalists, so what? If they agree on what their goals & activities should be then they have a right to their privacy.