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by Poet on the Piano Mar 27, 2008
Sadness, depression /
My screams fill the bitter cold air,
For I do not know if I can ever bear,
This tragedy that has suddenly arrived,
Before my scared and petrified eyes.
I hope he will continue to fight
I'm praying that he will be alright,
I don't know if there's any hope,
How could death lie so very close?
I stay with him till help finally comes,
And by then I am completely numb,
With coldness, dread, and tons of fear,
As I silently start to cry some tears.
Why does it have to end like this,
Where there is no peace or any bliss,
I just wish this was all a dream,
But I know it's the real thing.
Love the emotion in this poem. very descriptive words, its almost like i was feeling what you were when you wrote that. its amazing. keep up the great work!! ~KM~
by H E Losey
You try to tell a story yet leave the reader wondering what it is about. It seems to be a good story, so tell it all. Be aware of your rhyme and/or rhythm as these two things control the entire piece.
I really like this poem..good job :]
Congrats on taking third with this poem. :) Poems like this make contests worth while.
In the first line, 'bitter' may sound slightly better than 'biting'. I know it's more commonly used, but trying to put uncomon words sometimes doesn't work in all cases.
As for the rest of the poem, it's so sad, yet it's so true. I loved it. A few minor alterations to make the flow stand out a bit more is all i would say is needed. :)
Pretty good. Awesome word choice and emotions. I also love the storyline. <3 It doesn't feel like it flows very well to me though. Maybe check the meter and eliminate a few words. Other than that very good. I'll give a 4/5