Comments : The Storm (collab)

  • 9 years ago

    by Morgan

    Excellent work but slightly confusing at the end as the focus shifted. I loved the lyrics.
    "My face is tainted by tears
    Feelings will never be shown."
    Great work

  • 9 years ago

    by NyellMoonlight

    Wow...
    Impressive write, truly powerful. I think that both of you did excellent job on this poem. The choice of words is amazing through the whole piece and the flow is simply flawless in each stanza. Also, whole poem is very deep and portrayed emotions created very vivid pictures in my mind. I like the whole atmosphere of this poem- truly authentic and original.
    Overall, amazingly done.
    5/5 from me

  • 9 years ago

    by Nix

    Wow! Amazingly written, I honestly think that you two should write more together, this is so refreshing and captivating poem. You kept my attention from first word and each description is so emotional, I think that you truly managed to adjust your styles of writing in great combination which helped you to create this creative, and quite depressive piece. Atmosphere is also very remarkable, well done.

  • 9 years ago

    by Blissful

    I just enjoyed how you started out these piece! It quickly captured my attention and had me wanting to read more. The ending was just amazing because it left me with a bang and I didnt want it to end. Your choice of words here was just brillant in creating flawless imagery and everything just flowed so nicely. You both did a great job on this collab. Well done *5/5*

  • 9 years ago

    by Melpomene

    I've always like a bit of Nightmare childs work so you've came together to write a dark collab with the right person.

    The power written within each line was stunning. I truely liked the choice of words and the flow. This is definitly a captivating poem. The description is lovely and you kept my attention the whole way through. You should write together more often. It's interesting to see. The emotion in this portrayed over the atmosphere was heartfelt and the imagery quite amazing. Truely vivid pictures were created into my mind.

    Keep writing so I can keep on reading.
    ~Mel

  • 9 years ago

    by sweet escape

    I like it alot but it seems to me that the flow is off. the amount of syllables in each pair of lines is different. and that throws it off.

    the meaning is there and strong though and that is what i feel is most important.
    5/5

  • 9 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    This is an amazingly well written callaboration
    I really did enjoy reading this one

    I love all of the metaphors and the theme and of course the overal depth
    as a senior member I will enter it into the contest

  • 9 years ago

    by Roxy

    Wow amazing poem the words you used such as " privail, obscured, betrayal" really made the emotion stand out its a really powerful poem. Xx

  • 9 years ago

    by Jaymes Haze

    Oh wow, it seemed kind of mediocre at first, but some lines did prove to be very powerful.
    Especially that last.
    That one, "there's no sun after the rain" (paraphrasing there)
    was fantastic and just made the poem that much better.

    If you're ever interested in doing a collab with me, don't be afraid to ask.

  • 9 years ago

    by M1ss L0v3

    This poem is so true.. if only i could sound as good as that poem or better yet even communicate that well .... good job!!! you should message me back>> 5/5

  • 9 years ago

    by Cayce

    A tear in the fabric of reality
    An illusion or the truth?

    ^^ It's worded so uniquley [is that a word? o.o]. I love the question in the second like it really gets the reader thinking, but leaves a little mystery.

    The ashes of your awakening
    Delusions of your youth.

    ^^ The first line is just wow. Ashes usually reminds me of death or dying or burning, so it's really weird to put it in the same line as "awakening", but I adore it. The second like has less of an impact, but is still captivating.

    The dreams you once had
    Have become warped and twisted.

    ^^ Hmm.. this one is a little less unique, but good nonetheless. All the dream have been.. messed up. They've been ruined. I love the word "warped" in this, you don't see that word very often.

    Refrain from the thoughts you have
    Tremble on what once existed.

    ^^ Okay.. are you saying to forget your past or fear it? o.o I'm just a little confused, but that's good, because you never want your reader to know exactly what's going on [or at least I think so]. Leaves a mystery.

    Slip away from your morality
    As your essence becomes frayed

    ^^ Oohhh.. loved this.. someone or something is dying, I think. For some reason when I hear the word "mortality" it makes me think of vampires.. I guess because "mortality" is the opposite of "immortality". Anyways, it was good.

    Lose the battle against insanity
    These skies are turning grey.

    ^^ I LOVE it when someone uses the word "insanity"! I'm all for the psychotic thing. The second line really paints a picture in my head.. I can see that dark grey sky... all those grey clouds floating above.

    Fall back into the dust
    As your vision becomes obscured

    ^^ Oooh.. I'm still painting pictures into my head.. I'm picturing this girl falling into the dust and it's flying up everywhere blurring her vision.

    Scream into the face of lust
    Stand where death once lured.

    ^^ Lust...? I so didn't stt that coming. Lust and death in the same stanza.. how odd. How brilliant. Amazingly done.

    A taste for vengeance
    The seed of your betrayal

    ^^ Revenge. Such a sweet sweet thing. She's getting revenge on someone who betrayed her..? That's what I'm guessing, although I'm probably dead wrong.

    Losing grip as my head spins
    Seeking truth but lies prevail.

    ^^ I don't know why but the first line read weird. I guess I keep wanting to say "Losing [my] grip as my head spins", but it's probably just me. Loved the second line. Lies always seem to triumph over the truth. No one wants to hear or tell the truth anymore. It's all lies.

    Fading into the darkness
    What once was can never be

    ^^ I don't like the word "darkness" here. It seems a little plain compared to the rest of the wording. >< You're talking about the past again and how it can never be... I'm not sure what happened in the past, but it must be bad..

    You're living off my weakness
    Captivity will never set me free.

    ^^ I have never heard that before.. living off weakness.. I thought you live off of strenghth. o.o Ha, I still love it. The second line works really well here..

    I am not meant to be here
    When will you let me go?

    ^^ Another question.. let you go from where..? Hmm... I wonder...

    My face is tainted by tears
    Feelings will never be shown.

    ^^ Those lines contradict themselves. You're crying, but saying you'll never show your feelings.. I've always loved contradicting lines though. So I liked it. Hehe.

    Slap on that smile
    Again, another day

    ^^ So many can relate to this. Hiding behind a smile is what a lot of people do. It's so much easier than showing the real you.

    I'm living in denial
    Because there's no sun after the rain.

    ^^ Great ending. It explains a little, but not too much. It's just right!

    I loved this whole poem. You and NightmareChild make an awesome team! Yall should write more Collabs together! Haha, I'd definitely read them.

    Great job!

    Keep writing!
    Cayce

  • 9 years ago

    by Lisa

    I love this poem so much

  • 9 years ago

    by Xxunwanted princessxX

    Holy dang, wow. i loved it. it was great, your really good at rhyming. amazing job

  • 9 years ago

    by Alexandra Jade Brewer

    Wow... stunning piece of work. Every line every word was pure emotion. It was so beautifully written. You are constantly creating an image in our heads, and the writing and choice of words is very unique!
    5/5!!!

  • 9 years ago

    by Allisha

    Love it!

  • 9 years ago

    by firexflys

    You did a great job with this it keep me going to each line, your wording was great and the layout of the poem was easy and readable. 5

  • 9 years ago

    by Lonely Little Dreamer

    Pretty good collab. I have never done one with someone so I am unsure how you go about it..the rhyming went pretty smoothly and the poem itself had a good flow..not sure I like the title but I can see where it fits with the last line. I definitely feel an essence of sadness and heartache within the poem so its good that you can get the reader to feel something..maybe use some more stronger vocabulary..or make it so you have to dive in a little deeper to catch the message..thats the fun part of poem reading..other than that its a pretty strong poem. Keep up the good work!

  • 9 years ago

    by shawn hoskins

    That was very good enjoyed reading your poem and thanks for your comment on my poem about stanzas

  • 9 years ago

    by brie kelly wise

    This is amazing..=]
    i loved the imagery you put in there
    5/5

  • 9 years ago

    by Lover Boii

    I really liked it, the rhyme scheme was great.