Comments : Love's What We Became (Song)

  • Wow thats is the most amazing thing that i have ever read u need to let some famous singer sing it it is ver interesting and has good flow 5/5 Caleb

  • 9 years ago

    by NicoleBaby101

    Wow i can feel the enmotions!!!

  • 8 years ago

    by Yeka

    Love it it's very touchy great job

  • 8 years ago

    by iamYOURS

    VERY BEAUTIFUL!!!!!

  • 8 years ago

    by BrittBaby aka wonderwoman

    Brought tears to my eyes...good work

  • 8 years ago

    by Cyber Saiyan

    ** First thing I would do is list the type of music to put to the song. That would really affect the way that I read it.

    Lizzy, Lizzy

    Where have you gone, I really miss you.
    Wish you were here with me.
    Soft gentle smiles never left me,
    Words can't describe this feeling.

    ** Good opening. I like the SOFT GENTLE SMILES part; its a good phrase that is not too common to hear. I would probably add YOUR at the beginning though. The last line is a good one, but very common. I assume your writing about someone you really love, so you may want to find a line that is as "not plain" as she is.

    Dreams I once dreamt of an angel,
    Beautiful as one' can name.
    Her soft tender voice whispered,
    "Love's what we became."

    ** Another good stanza / phrase (not sure what to call it). I think the third line is a little bit reduntant with SOFT and WHISPERED, but it does prove the point. The last line didnt really sit right with me for some reason. I was thinking it would sound better as WHAT WE HAVE BECOME. But most songs dont have perfect flow anyway, so I think its fine.

    Here in the dark I sit and ponder,
    Why do I still adore you?
    Somehow I can't find an answer,
    Yet it's you I still love true.

    Elisabetta, you I dreamt,
    An angel sent down to me.
    Elisabetta, you I loved,
    Always; forever.

    ** Yet another good, umm, set of words (still not sure what to call it). The first three lines were great, but the last line seemed really short compared to the rest. Depending on how it was sung, it may sound awkward or it may sound great. I did like that it was shorter seeing that it was the last part of the song. It helped to set it apart from the rest of the song.

    Angel of love and beauty, hold me close;
    Grant to me my true wish.

    Would you set me free?

    This angel of love is dear to my heart,
    I'm sure she would agree.

    ** I like the set of unrhymed lines at the end and thought you could improve one part here. I like that you are asking to be set free, and that you refer to her as an angel, but I thought I would be really cool if you could contrast her from a loving angel to a somewhat selfish devil at this point. I know this sounds mean, but its not really meant to be. When I think of an angel, I dont think of one holding on to a lost love. It would be really cool if you could still portray her as an angel, but find a way to compare it to the extreme opposite (like a devil).

    I wish this dream was real.

    My nose is cold,

    My heart pumps fast,

    For Elisabetta.

    Waking up, tears flow free,

    With dreams at end.

    ** I like these lines too. They seem to be like background thoughts as the music fades out. One thing I didnt notice in the song though was a repeating chorus. The song was good, but most have a repeating chorus or repeat the same set of lines from time to time in the song. I think that would help out some and really drive your point home.

    ** Good job.

  • 8 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    I can't help but believe you two would have made a great pair on earth

    This is a beautiful heartsong for a real angel

  • 8 years ago

    by Steven Topaz

    One thing that all songs are missing when i read something on this website, is BPM , you can put your own melody to a song that you see in text, but i find it very hard to put it to a beat, BPM = Beats per Min, like in my opinion with the length and the beauty of this it would be about 90, but just advice for future songs you put on,

    First Stanza:I to use to song write, where ryhming is still there it isnt as important, imagery is the key as it is to poetry, and in the first line you kick start that very thing, what I see is my mind is just an adult with an acoustic guitar with maybe some peaceful pictures or happenings going on in the back ground while maybe fighting back tears, yeah, good job on imagery

    Stanza Two: Im trying to sing this in a very meloncholic tone, and its coming out very well, Songs are more freestyle than a poem so there really isnt that much to critque, the only thing that i dont get is just how you added Dreams to the first line, it feels mis placed

    Stanza three:Bingo, this where you connected with me as a reader i dont know about other people, but you have my eyes watering up thinking about who im with now and what could happen at any moment.. again nothing much to critique songs are suppose to be simple not complex

    Stanza 4:The parreleisism here makes the message profound and now the image in my mind is still that same person but maybe him singing to god, in anger and sorrow for whats happened, except i dont think parrelisism here makes up for the lack of a ryhme that would give it a beat and more flow, still the melody that i put in my head is outstanding with the song,

    Free Verse stanzas: Honestly i dont see what beat or point there is behind these, well i see the point but just the fact that its in a song derives from the impact that you were building up to, the beauty you had in my head, but the fact that I've never heard "Angel of Music" could destroy what i think because it may have some very slow phrases like that,

    Loved the first half, Second half was just there,
    so ima grade the first half :)

    Ryhmes 4/5
    Imagery 5/5
    Flow 5/5 didnt mention it but you had it
    Impact 6/5 because of the connection,
    i would love to hear you sing its good to hear random people sing songs of their own, maybe put a link to an audio version of this on the bottom? btw the overall is 5/5 but the length of this makes me wonder if it could actualy be sung, only 4 full stanzas? I know raps and songs are different but, i had about 18 stanzas in my last rap with chorus and its still short, so ><

  • 8 years ago

    by Lonely Rider

    Loved the starting ... it has feeling of losing someone ...

    "Where have you gone, I really miss you.
    Wish you were here with me.
    Soft gentle smiles never left me,
    Words can't describe this feeling."

    ^^heartfelt lines ... the feeling of a lonely heart indeed cannot be described by words ... it has to felt ... and truly your words made me feel the pain in your heart...

    "Here in the dark I sit and ponder,
    Why do I still adore you?
    Somehow I can't find an answer,
    Yet it's you I still love true. "

    ^^ no matter how much we ponder on... how much we try... the memories always remain ... these lines depict the true love inside your heart ... whether she is present or not ... the love is always there...

    "Would you set me free?"

    ^^ this could be interpreted in so many ways ...well, I couldnt actually grasp the meaning ... whether you want to be freed from love ... or from pain ... or whether you want to be free enough to be be with your love...

    "With dreams at end."

    ^^ this one line let a river of emotions flow ... so touching and beautiful at same time ...

    wonderful write ...

  • 8 years ago

    by Shinobi

    This poem has a unique structure. The first stanzas are standart 4 lines, but as the poem goes on, the song broke apart and finally it became an ending of the poem and the story combined.
    It seemed like the dream was written in a poem format, and reallity itself is a broken 1 line format. Therefore you could understand that the dream was amazing, like a beautiful poem, but reality is harsh and broken.

    About the poem itself:
    The first stanza didn't rhyme well. I think this would sound better:

    Where have you gone, I really miss you.
    Wish you were here with me.
    Soft gentle smiles never left
    Why did you set me free

    The second stanza was good written and good rhymed. Nothing to add.

    The third stanza is also nice, but I think the last line breakes the flow a little bit. I'd suggest something like this:

    Here in the dark I sit and ponder,
    Why is it you I still adore?
    Somehow I can't find an answer,
    Yet, it's you whom I'm falling for

    The fourth stanza also went nicely until the last line. For this specific stanza I can't think of a better way, so just try to make the second and last line rhyme.

    The ending of the poem is both surprising and breathtaking. Loved how you entered reality with broken lines, as though the dream was over.

    Nice job on this poem overall 4/5

  • 8 years ago

    by Darien

    Now that I understand what the cold nose means, I think it makes sense.I was asking my girlfriend about it, because she went away to Italy for a year, and now she's pretty close to fluent Italian. She told me if I were Italian, I would have a cold nose for her. I think it's pretty cute. Anyways..

    Joe, I've said it many times, you are definitely a great love poet, and it would be nice to hear this as a song. I know how much Lizzy meant to you, and it's too bad I never got a chance to get to know her well. Reading your poetry however, it feels like I'm getting that chance. Your words express so much about her, and I'm sure she is smiling down from heaven, everytime you write a poem about her.

    I can't say I know the feeling of the first verse, but I know what it's like to really miss a person. The emotions came in really strong, especially for someone who knows the situation.

    I really liked the second verse, because it ties in the fact that she is in heaven now, and you connected that with using the word 'angel'. but it is also used to describe her beauty.

    In the third verse, I've had that happen to me. I've often wondered why I was so in love with someone, but I guess that's just what love is.

    Again, I liked how you used the word 'angel' in the next verse.

    At this point, I guess this is where the song reaches the bridge or the interlude. Where it changes from the rest of the song. It was a nice, peaceful ending to the poem. It had a lot of good imagery, and a lot of heartfelt emotions.

    Overall it was a well constructed poem, a lot of good imagery, good rhymes, a nice steady flow and a lot of emotion. I really like that about your poems. You really connect well with the readers, even if they may not have been in a situation, you are able to create that for them. Keep on writing Joe. Liz would be proud of this piece.

  • 8 years ago

    by Not Enough

    Wow another excellent well written piece. Again though I'm not sure how to sing it, it still flows very well no matter what. I love the title of this song and the line in which you used it. I really like the emotion in this poem, and the romance that radiates off it. Grattteee job yet again!! 5/5

    Soda<3

  • 8 years ago

    by Jordan W

    I can't say I enjoyed the original song that inspired you, but this poem sang to me as I read it line by line. True emotion, and True, awe inspiring talent. 5/5 poem I honestly really enjoyed reading this and listening to it as a song.

    =] thank you.

  • 8 years ago

    by Mommys Lil Angel

    Well im really lovin this song its really interestin im lovein the metaphores

  • 8 years ago

    by SiLeNt

    You got a lot of heart thats for sure^.^ 5/5

  • 8 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "Lizzy, Lizzy"

    I really like how you start this song off with her name (nickname I am guessing?) repeated two times. It is more touching and deep.

    "Where have you gone, I really miss you.
    Wish you were here with me.
    Soft gentle smiles never left me,
    Words can't describe this feeling."

    The first line dissappointed me a bit, just the "I really miss you", I felt it was a bit too unoriginal. That is just my view though.

    The rest of the stanza I love, very passionate and descriptive.

    "Dreams I once dreamt of an angel,
    Beautiful as one' can name.
    Her soft tender voice whispered,
    "Love's what we became."

    That first line was so beautifully worded, I love that word "dreamt", its so striking.

    In the second line, "one'" should be "one".

    "Here in the dark I sit and ponder,
    Why do I still adore you?
    Somehow I can't find an answer,
    Yet it's you I still love true."

    Love the rhyme and questions added here.

    "Elisabetta, you I dreamt,
    An angel sent down to me.
    Elisabetta, you I loved,
    Always; forever."

    This was such a powerful stanza, I like the way you worded the first and third line, that was amazing, and that last line could have been cliche but it wasn't. It ended the stanza leaving the reader feeling the love that you both shared.

    "Angel of love and beauty, hold me close;
    Grant to me my true wish."

    So expressive and filled with passion.

    "Would you set me free?"

    Love how you asked this, this line alone just stands so tall.

    "This angel of love is dear to my heart,
    I'm sure she would agree."

    This is truly so beautiful, the emotion in this whole piece is strong and the flow is consistant and flawless.

    "I wish this dream was real.

    My nose is cold,

    My heart pumps fast,

    For Elisabetta.

    Waking up, tears flow free,

    With dreams at end."

    I thought the ending was really unique, the way you separted the lines, and I really like "my nose is cold", that was impressive.

    5/5 from me, not many suggestions, this was such a heartfelt and touching piece. Keep writing, always and forever...

    ~MaryAnne

  • 8 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    'Lizzy, Lizzy

    Where have you gone, I really miss you.
    Wish you were here with me.'
    ^Great beginning, I loved how you adressed the person in the beginning line, that was great. I think however you could rewrite this stanza like this -

    'Lizzy, Lizzy

    Where have you gone?
    I really miss you;
    Wish you were here with me.'
    ^I know it's a song, but I think it'd be better like this, because I feel like the question mark after gone is necessary.

    'Soft gentle smiles never left me,'
    ^Didn't really like 'soft gentle smiles' --what you did here is used one word then have a synoymn for that exact word following it. I would eliminate one of them, you dont need both.

    'Her soft tender voice whispered,
    "Love's what we became."'
    ^These are such beautiful lines. I'm guessing the 'soft tender' was written that way intentionally just like 'soft gentle' above. This was simply written but you did great with it, so descriptive and filled with emotion.

    'Elisabetta, you I dreamt,
    An angel sent down to me.
    Elisabetta, you I loved,
    Always; forever. '
    ^Awwww, you can tell this comes straight from the heart. Again, I loved how you adressed her by name; it makes it more personal.

    'Angel of love and beauty,'
    ^I really loved the repetition of calling her an angel, not only is it very beautiful but just goes to show how dear she was to you. She was like an angel.

    This poem was both beautiful and sad. The ending was full of emotion. You did a great job with this! (: Well done!

  • 8 years ago

    by Lady Nik

    Lizzy, Lizzy

    *I love this part :) It reminds me of a little kid looking for a friend. The way you say "Lizzy" is very soft and it adds a nice touch to the poem.*

    Soft gentle smiles never left me,
    *For some reason I want to reword this to "Your soft gentle smile never leaves me" I feel like you are trying to show her how much you miss her and saying that makes her see that you remember everything about her.*

    Dreams I once dreamt of an angel,
    Beautiful as one' can name.
    Her soft tender voice whispered,
    "Love's what we became."

    *This was my favorite part. This part makes me feel happy and sad at the same time. I can really relate to what you're feeling here.*

    My nose is cold,

    My heart pumps fast,

    For Elisabetta.

    *That part was realy sweet and I love the imagery. You didn't stick to the cliche line of "my heart is yours" or something like that. And I've never seen anyone talk about their nose before so good job with that. This wasn't my favorite from you but I felt you wrote it well. All of your feelings for her were clearly expressed and I can really relate to how you feel for her. This was a really nice poem JOE JOE. I'm glad I read it :) *huggles* Nik *

  • 8 years ago

    by Krathia

    This is a sweet and wonderful poem (song, too). I especially liked the second and third stanzas; you've worded your feelings very intimately. I would suggest you use 'cannot' instead of 'can't' in "Somehow I can't find an answer" to help with the meter, but since it's a song, I don't know the rhythm it's supposed to go in.

    The fourth stanza was worded very simply, but thanks to the previous parts, it fits in perfectly, granting a nice mirror's reflection to everything you've said so far.

    The only thing I didn't like was this phrase:
    "My nose is cold,"
    It seemed very random and out of place. I would just take it out of the poem altogether.

  • 8 years ago

    by Kaila

    I really enjoyed the emotion in this piece. It didn't lack for a second and, it wasn't cliche at all. Which is something I really admire. I would definitly love to hear this sang or with music to it because I think it would give off a better vibe as to what you really want the flow to sound like. My only critique is the fact that you used me to end the second and third line in your first stanza. Maybe use I instead on one of them but that's just my opinion. Otherwise the poem was flawless as always.
    5/5