Wow..the opening stanza was extremely strong, i love the images that you gave, and the description was very precise .
I really loved the wording, in these 2 stanza, bu this line made me stop for it's amazing neess
(smoother than worlds of silken glass.)
And then with world-weary eyes I wept
by the gift resting on my palm, and
even the sun knew himself incomparable to
the love which I that day held.
^^^Wow this was really strong, and gave me goosebumps..i love the way u ended it. I felt like magic in this poem, with reallyy a lot of creativity and passion
6 years ago
Ember* sorry..see the value difference it creates? haha although interesting choice also. Burning coal or shining diamond? Same carbon haha.
6 years ago
Oh the emotional crescendo. Lovely!
There is a bit of conflict between the build-up of emotions and the realization/questioning at the end. You held it..then what of the love afterwards? Lost? Thrown away?
Do you want that wondering at the end?
I would personally consider making it a circular poem and add a bit by the end to signify the lost of love as the reason why I wander on blacken sand to bring it back to the top and explainging why the loneliness.
Common names but different values..diamond or amber? Title change?
Caged fingers sounds greedy and threatening..not how you would hold a love you want to weep for. Perhaps a different word? Something more caring.
A unique poem, from start to finish. There were parts of the poem though that I thought weren't as strong as the other lines of the poem and put a downcast on the rest of the poem. There were also certain images in this poem which I thought were vague or not that important for description. The flow of the poem overall was good though at times it seemed a bit shaky. I thought one really good thing was that you didn't rhyme as I saw it in this piece that if you had rhymed it would have become forced in parts making the flow off.
Overall a decent job. I don't really like love poems that much but I still think you did a alright job with this poem, by portraying all your emotions into your lines giving it a certain depth. Good job and keep writing.